Guiding kids to form real friendships in the digital age
When I meet up with friends and their children, I notice a growing trend of the kids being asked to pay attention or look the person in the eye when spoken to. A self-conscious apology usually follows: “pandemic child” or “It’s the screens.” I get it; I gently remind my kids about these tendencies, too, or do role-play in preparation for such encounters so they don’t feel put on the spot.
Another challenge I’ve observed is the friend-making process. The screens are a huge factor, as even if my kids don’t have phones, the children they meet usually do. Their get-togethers usually have no eye contact or face-to-face interaction as they are still in parallel play mode long after their toddler years. There is no more patience to get to know one another as the siren call of a screen that instantly makes their boredom disappear is at their fingertips at any time.
It’s sad, that even if you have limits in place, screens are so ubiquitous that your child can feel left out if their peers talk about games or memes they don’t know about. Add to the mix the struggles of parenting style differences within the home.
I was the sort of kid who brought a book or cross-stitch material to family reunions or parties, just in case I didn’t have stuff in common with the people there. My early years at university were spent doodling alone during lunch, till I found my “tribe” of misfits who accepted me as I was when I joined a student publication. I value my friends as I age because they remain quality relationships, not superficial connections. I am so grateful that they have been real.
Don’t force it
Sometimes I see my children struggle to make friends; other times, they do not seem interested in making friends at all. In a vlog from online psychoeducation company Bright & Quirky, Dr. Elizabeth Laugeson, founder and director of the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA)’s PEERS Clinic, said we shouldn’t force friendship on our children; but, if they want friends, we can help them develop friendships.
Licensed marriage and family therapist and Bright & Quirky founder Debbie Steinberg Kuntz reported that many parents are worried about how it doesn’t seem to bother their children that they don’t have any friends and that it’s the parent who has a problem with it.
“Friendship is a choice,” explained Dr. Laugeson. “We don’t get to be friends with everyone and vice versa. But if you have a socially motivated child, joining extracurriculars is key because that’s where they’ll find a source of friends.”
She noted that many parents enroll their kids in classes where they don’t have a choice, like swimming, because they want them to be water-safe, karate class for self-defense and discipline or academic enrichment classes like Kumon.
“But if we’re going to have them in extracurriculars, why not choose those that are social, too?” said Dr. Laugeson. “Find something that your kid likes to do. That’s one of the best ways to help them find close, meaningful friendships. But they also need skills to use when they’re there; it’s not enough for them to just show up.”
She said that parents need to facilitate that starting with their language. Don’t ask if they want to join something, because they’ll likely say, “No, I want to stay home and play on the computer.” Phrase it positively and ask which one of the options based on their interest you furnish that’s also okay with you that they like. Instead of yes-no questions, make it open-ended, like, “Which club would you like to join?”
Kuntz added, “It’s not always about remediating the challenged areas. It’s about finding that flow with what they’re interested in and finding like-minded peers who share their interests so they can become more social.”
Respecting preferences
Our expectations, language and attitude are crucial. We have to believe they’re going to choose an activity. Dr. Laugeson said that when we go in, we should expect they will want to do it. For instance, don’t ask if they can pick a hobby; instead, say, “Okay, it’s time to choose an activity.”
She noted that some kids prefer to be alone without any friends. These children likely have a history of peer rejection and have sort of given up. “It’s very sad, which is why parents need to be intervening early so they don’t have as many experiences like that,” said Dr. Laugeson.
My 13-year-old son has tried several activities, and we learned what he likes (freedom of expression) and doesn’t like (striking, strict rules). So far, he has stuck to jujitsu and running as he has a chill but energetic, playful personality. He’s not competitive but enjoys the camaraderie and being active. My 9-year-old daughter is a stickler for rules and likes to win, so she enjoys badminton and jujitsu. She’s also perfectly fine playing alone or reading a book.
I realized the importance of making them feel seen, appreciated and accepted as they are. Respecting their preferences and highlighting their strengths make them feel loved and supported. Hopefully, instead of conforming to peer pressure, fortifying their self-esteem will enable them to choose good friends and be good friends, too.
