Olympics fashion: From woolly mammoths to bikini babes
Once upon a time, the Olympics were a sartorial spectacle of woolen wonder. Athletes toiled away in garments that resembled more a drowning victim’s last hope than high-performance attire.
Imagine gold medalist Noah Lyles lumbering down the track in a full-body sweater. Or even tennis star Coco Gauff on the court in a maxi skirt and buttoned-up Victorian shirt. Or our own champ Carlos Yulo hand-springing on the vault in regular belted trousers, which was what gymnasts wore back in the day. Now that would be a world record-breaker.
Fast-forward to today, and the Olympic fashion scene is a kaleidoscope of spandex and self-tanner. Gone are the days of modesty; in their place, a celebration of the human form that would make Michelangelo blush. It’s minimal wear for maximum performance.
Take track and field, for instance. It’s bye-bye to baggy shorts and long-sleeved tops. Now, it’s all about the booty shorts (bikinis?) and sports bras, a look that’s as aerodynamic as it is eye-catching. If you didn’t know beforehand that you’re watching a foot race, you’d think you’ve stumbled into an aquatics event, just by looking at what the athletes are wearing.
More exciting
We’ve traded wool for wonderment, and the world is a more exciting place for it.
But let’s not forget the aquatic athletes. Once clad in what looked like knitted bathrobes, swimmers now glide through the water in skintight suits that seem to defy the laws of physics and modesty. It’s a testament to human ingenuity that we’ve gone from fearing the cold to embracing the revealing.
Of course, not all fashion choices have been winners. Remember that French pole vaulter who had a rather, hmm, unfortunate NSFW incident? The world watched in stunned silence as his Olympic dreams came crashing down, quite literally. It was a stark reminder that even in the age of aerodynamic attire, physics still reigns supreme.
So, next time you’re watching the Olympics, take a moment to appreciate the evolution of athletic wear. From woolly mammoths to bikini babes, it’s a journey that’s as thrilling as any gold medal finish. Just don’t blame us if you find yourself spending more time staring at the athletes than the scoreboard.
Just so we’re clear, this article was written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Actual Olympic attire is designed for performance, not provocation.
