Law and disorder

I often find myself either super early or perpetually late. Today was one of those rare mornings when I woke up early, shuffling around like a half-awake zombie. I opened the fridge and grabbed an egg, recalling tips for making a sunny-side-up. And to my surprise, I finally perfected it! This small culinary triumph, as trivial as it may seem, sparked a moment of clarity amidst the chaos of my mind.

As I savored my breakfast, I wondered what other bits of knowledge I had not put into action. It felt like there is a vacuum in my mind, sucking everything after perception. Yet, those memories could be triggered, just like my success with the egg. It made me think about the things I’ve learned over the years but have not fully utilized, particularly in my journey toward my dreams.

When I was a student from middle school to college, I always struggled with punctuality and organization. My home remained chaotic, and deep cleans left me drained. I always aimed to improve but often couldn’t act unless anxiety pushed me. While others dedicated their lives to mastering a skill, I tried to learn everything at once—dabbling in string instruments and managing my chaotic fridge while preparing lattes, all in an attempt to feel productive.

I even bought an upright piano—a long-held dream—but after a few months, I stopped practicing. When my church needed a pianist, I fled instead of seizing the opportunity, a pattern born from mixed emotions. I’ve come to understand that ADHD isn’t just a childhood issue; it persists into adulthood. It affects my daily life in ways that can feel overwhelming, especially when it comes to pursuing my goals and dreams. There may be no definitive cure for my struggles, but in this vast world of billions, we can find someone to whom we can open up and ease our burdens.

I found that support in my husband. But it is never easy with me because of my condition. While I love him, I often fear needing him. Yet, despite my impulses and moments of frustration, he remains respectful, compassionate, and supportive. Along with his career growth, he has always thought of me and encouraged me to pursue my master’s degree, reminding me that I’m not alone in this journey. His unwavering belief in my potential has helped me see beyond my immediate struggles.

Fantasizing about what my future holds, my buried dreams of becoming a lawyer crossed my mind. I remember how my mom and I often discussed my aspiration to be a lawyer, and she supported me wholeheartedly, especially while we washed dishes at the poso. Those moments were filled with hope, dreams, and plans for a bright future. But everything changed when she fell gravely ill and passed away when I was 14. Her absence left a void, and my aspirations were overshadowed by grief and uncertainty.

Coincidentally, as I sipped the foam on my latte, I was stirred by a news story about a 62-year-old woman named Rosula Calacala, who passed the 2023 Bar exam. I exclaimed to myself, “Why am I only seeing this now?” Again, this made me anxious that I did not hear it when it first aired or sooner; it only appeared in my social media feed.

Nonetheless, her remarkable journey made me reflect on my own ambitions and reminded me that age is just a number. If she could rise above her circumstances and fulfill her dreams, perhaps I could, too.

Rosula’s story ignited a spark within me, reigniting my desire to pursue law despite the challenges that ADHD presents. Maybe now that I have a support system, I could try pursuing all the possibilities my ADHD often delays. The road ahead may be uncertain, but it’s filled with potential. I owe it to myself and to my late mother to explore every avenue available.

With every sunrise, I remind myself that dreams don’t expire. They may need nurturing, patience, and perhaps a bit of external support, but they remain valid and achievable. The time has come to embrace my journey and reclaim my aspirations. It’s not just about achieving my goals; it’s about honoring the dreams I once held dear and the memories of those who believed in me.

I’m ready to confront the challenges head-on, to turn my aspirations into reality. It’s not simply about the destination, but also about the path I take to get there. Each step I take, no matter how small, brings me closer to becoming the lawyer I’ve always dreamed of being. With determination, resilience, and a newfound support system, I’m prepared to embrace whatever comes my way.

In the coming months, I plan to immerse myself in my studies, seeking inspiration from my past and the stories of others like Rosula. It’s a journey that will require persistence, but I’m committed to breaking through the barriers that ADHD has imposed on me. I have the chance to forge a new path, one filled with learning, growth, and the promise of a brighter future. The time to act is now, and I’m ready to embrace my potential.

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Kimberly Padilla Samin-de Guzman, 29, is a licensed professional teacher remotely teaching Business English to professional Japanese clients at Bizmates. She is taking her master’s at Good Samaritan Colleges.