Broken yet believing: Lessons on faith and resilience
Studying the Book of Matthew this year over 13 Monday nights, I found strength and new perspectives that helped me navigate the struggles of Parkinson’s disease (PD) and the pain of betrayal. This followed my completion of the Bible Timeline Study (BTS) in 2022, which spanned 24 Tuesdays.
Through Matthew’s teachings, I gained clarity in understanding the gospel and explaining it to my children during Mass. Matthew’s Gospel integrates Jewish tradition with the new teachings of Jesus, preserving His message for early Christians and us today.
As I faced PD and the emotional devastation of betrayal, Bible study became a lifeline. Matthew 26:38-41, where Jesus prays in Gethsemane, offered a deep connection: “My Father, if possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Like Jesus, I prayed for relief, but have come to rely on my faith, family, and friends to endure.
PD has forced me to accept physical limitations, while treachery adds emotional pain. I am learning to live with both, acknowledging their reality, and finding ways to keep going for myself and my children. Resignation to God’s will doesn’t mean giving up hope for healing or justice. It means reaching a place of trust where I can believe that even if this burden is mine to carry, God’s plan for my life is somehow baked into it. For instance, in Matthew 27:46, Jesus cries, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I know He understands our pain.
Despair and loneliness
Experiencing abandonment has sometimes led my children and me to doubt, confusion, and anger toward God. Some nights the torment is overwhelming. We wrestle with feelings of despair, loneliness, unworthiness, or punishment when it seems that “the bad guys have won.”
I don’t have answers for my kids when they ask why their prayers seem unanswered or when support seems lacking, reinforcing the feeling of being left alone in our struggle. But as I seek solace in scripture, prayer, and community, I hope to help my kids rebuild their faith.
Allowing ourselves to express our pain, anger, or sorrow is an important step toward healing.
Over time, feelings of abandonment have transformed into resilience and dependence on God. Connecting with those who have experienced similar struggles has been a source of healing, and sharing my story reaffirms my faith. Painful as it is, I try to model to my kids that our trials can be a path to growth. My daughter once exclaimed, “We’re out of the Matrix!”—a reminder to find freedom and hope through prayer, service, and reflection.
Turning to God
Accepting life’s uncontrollable aspects helps me release my desire for specific outcomes, like a healed body or a change of heart. Instead, I trust God to bring something redemptive through my pain. Surrendering doesn’t make the suffering disappear; it transforms it into something I can carry with hope, knowing God is with me.
This obedience to God’s will is imperfect, often marked by doubt and frustration. But each time I choose to trust, I reflect Christ’s obedience. Life becomes a daily act of faith, where each moment of surrender and prayer mirrors Jesus’ acceptance of His cup.
What’s important is to model to my kids how I keep turning to God, even in weakness. Following His will, even imperfectly, reflects a heart that desires to stay connected to Him despite huge challenges.
While my hardships with the motor and non-motor symptoms of Parkinson’s and the loss of trust in those I relied on feel overwhelming, each time I say, “Not as I will, but as You will,” I take a step toward aligning my life with God’s plan, just as Jesus did.
My journey is an uphill climb, but even in moments of exhaustion and fear, I know God’s grace sustains me. I continue to live my vocation as a mother and woman of faith, knowing that God walks with me through each challenge.
Sign up for the Bible Timeline Study (BTS) or the Book of Matthew (BMT). For BMT, contact Arlene at tel. 0920-9238455 or Gab at tel. 0917-8737889 via Viber; for BTS, contact Carlo at tel. 0927-2345404 or Michelle at tel. 0917-1502725.
