How to speak your child’s love language
Psychiatrist Ana Socorro Rita P. Beroin recently spoke at De La Salle Santiago Zobel School about expressing love in ways that truly resonate with children.
“Love is the foundation of a child’s emotional security. When children feel loved, they develop stronger self-esteem, perform better in school and build healthier relationships,” said Dr. Beroin. “However, parents often express love in ways that don’t match their child’s needs. That’s where love languages come in.”
Originally introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman for couples, love languages apply to all relationships, including parenting. Each child has a primary love language, and recognizing it can help parents make their child feel genuinely valued.
Words of Affirmation are verbal expressions of love and encouragement. Acts of Service are thoughtful actions that show care. Receiving Gifts are meaningful tokens of appreciation. Quality Time is focused attention and shared experiences. Physical Touch includes hugs, pats or holding hands to express warmth and security.
Filipino parents are among the most loving in the world, but their default love language is often Acts of Service: working hard, cooking meals and making sacrifices. The problem? Many children don’t recognize these as expressions of love. They might crave words of affirmation, cuddles, or undivided attention. Recognizing this gap strengthens family bonds and emotional security.
Words of affirmation
Many Filipino parents believe love should be shown, not said, but some children thrive on verbal encouragement. Instead of saying, “Why do you always get low grades?” try “I see your effort, and I’m proud of you! Keep going!”
Replace “That’s nice” with “You are such a thoughtful friend. That was a great thing to do!” to praise their character, not just their achievements. Say “I love you” daily, leave encouraging notes in lunch boxes and be specific: “I appreciate how kind you are to your siblings.” Avoid harsh words, even during discipline.
If you feel awkward, start small. Practice until it feels natural. Even a simple “I’m proud of you” helps. They won’t get spoiled; encouragement builds self-worth, not entitlement.
Acts of service
Coaching with homework, preparing meals, or fixing a toy teaches love through action. Filipino parents often show love through sacrifice, but if kids believe love must be earned and only given when they behave well, they may develop a fear of rejection, low self-worth, or people-pleasing tendencies. Real love is constant, not a reward.
If you’re not expressive, just know that love is shown through consistency. Small gestures matter. Assist them in preparing their stuff for tomorrow the night before, cook together, or help with projects without taking over—guide rather than do. Teaching responsibility alongside service prevents dependency.
Receiving gifts
This love language isn’t about materialism but showing care with meaningful tokens. Filipino parents already practice this through pasalubong and celebrating milestones.
If you’re concerned about overindulgence or cost, focus on simple, thoughtful gifts like handwritten notes over expensive presents. DIY versions of requested toys, encouraging notes before exams, or personalized rewards, like a homemade certificate for achievements show you pay attention and know them so well.
Quality time
Many Filipino parents spend time with their kids but are distracted by work or gadgets. However, proximity isn’t presence; children need your full attention to feel valued. Without it, they may feel neglected, leading to behavioral issues or seeking connection elsewhere.
Be thoroughly present in listening, talking and sharing meaningful moments. Simple, one-on-one interactions matter more than elaborate activities. Busy? Even 10-15 minutes of focused time daily strengthens bonds. Integrate connection by making mealtimes screen-free and involve them in chores and small activities like bedtime chats or walks. Consistent quality time leads to higher confidence, better school performance and emotional security.
Physical touch
Some Filipino parents grew up without much physical affection, but research shows it has lasting emotional benefits. It provides warmth, security and love, especially for younger kids.
So celebrate achievements with a high-five or hug instead of a mere “Good job.” Offer comfort without invalidation by embracing them or rubbing their back instead of brushing off their pain with a stern “Don’t cry, be strong.” Have daily rituals like morning and bedtime hugs, hand-holding while walking or snuggling while reading or watching TV.
However, you must also teach boundaries. Let them decide when they want affection. Offer choices: “Would you like a hug or a handshake?” Teach them to ask for consent before touching others, like, “Can I hug you?” Normalize saying ‘No’ to unwanted touch, so never force them to kiss someone. Model healthy limits by saying, “I love hugs, but I need space right now. How about a fist bump?”
Some parents assume their child’s love language is the same as theirs. Instead, observe how they express love.
What do they request? “Can we play together?” (quality time) vs. “Can you help me?” (acts of service). What upsets them? If they feel unloved without hugs, they may value physical touch. What makes them light up? Praise (words of affirmation), gifts (receiving gifts), or time together (quality time)?
Once identified, use their love language daily. A mix is good, but emphasizing their primary one strengthens bonds. Siblings may have different love languages, so adjust accordingly. Love languages can evolve, so keep observing and adapting.
Common parenting questions
What if my child has two love languages? Most people have a primary and secondary; use both!
Can love languages change? Yes! Keep observing and adjusting.
What if my child doesn’t respond? Be patient. Love is about consistency, not perfection.
How do I balance love languages with discipline? Discipline should guide, not shame. Use their love language even when correcting them.
What if my spouse and I have different love languages? Communicate, respect each other’s approach, and find balance.
How do I apply this in a big family? Small, intentional actions matter. Rotate one-on-one time.
Can love languages help with behavioral issues? Yes! Loved children feel secure and are less likely to act out.
Do boys and girls have different love languages? No, love languages depend on personality, not gender.
How do I practice love languages with a busy schedule? Small, daily actions matter more than grand gestures.
Parenting isn’t just about love; it’s about ensuring children feel loved. Each child receives love differently, so learn and adapt. A strong parent-child bond leads to confidence, better behavior and emotional security. As Harold Hulbert said, “Children need love, especially when they least deserve it.”
Dr. Beroin can be reached on the NowServing app and website or through Psychlink Consulting Facebook and website.
