Real presence
Come and join us for the kiddie party tomorrow night. You are our special guest.”
My good friend, a hematologist-oncologist, didn’t know just how much she had made the last few hours before I turned a year older worth remembering. The week prior, we had been thinking of spending some time with two patients whom we had been comanaging together outside the confines of the hospital. Little did I know that she had gone ahead and cemented our plans. She also insisted that she would be the one to host.
Driving to the venue after a full day, that feeling of being blessed came back in full force. I was grateful for having the love and support of family, who made me realize my dream and enabled me to grow in all aspects, and for having been warmly embraced by a medical community that feels like one. On a daily basis, to be of assistance to a colleague or a patient is always something to be thankful for. The opportunity to be part of someone’s care is a gift that is not given to everyone, nor is the chance to get to know patients on a more personal level. Determined not to wallow in such a vulnerable emotional state, lest the tears flow, I put on my version of a brave face before I joined them. Knowing what the future held, mentally pulling back was the best recourse to savor the time we had together.
Can you ask yourself if there have been situations in which you have been guilty of not being wholly present? I join the hands that have been raised to acknowledge that, yes, there have been. We fail to realize the value of just being in the moment because of the thousand and one things that we think we need to juggle or provide answers for. Thanks to them, that party will always serves as a recurring reminder of the importance of being truly present. It is the only thing that matters for anyone going through a difficult phase.
In this particular situation, my friend knew that time was of the essence. She made the party happen despite the challenges of logistics, intent on keeping our shared promise. Whoever said that nothing worth doing ever comes easily is right. If you want to be given the chance to experience being in the moment, allow yourself to be in the company of people who are adept and skilled at it.
How exactly? First, make a conscious effort to free yourself from any distractions. Being in a quiet environment goes a long way in ensuring that all parties have time to concentrate on each other. Keep your phone out of sight. Not having it within reach is not a life-and-death situation, nor are self-imposed deadlines.
Next, work toward being comfortable with shared silence. As physicians, we always feel that we need to be active participants in a conversation. More often than not, we just need to listen. Sometimes we pressure ourselves into providing solutions when there is no need for any, or we feel compelled to say something just to keep the conversation going. Rehashing what has been said or decided may also be double-edged, serving to confuse rather than clarify. Keep in mind that it is not easy to share and show vulnerability. Accept their emotions and their verbalized thoughts with grace. Refrain from interrupting and killing the mood. One of the worst things that we could say—a lesson that was painfully learned—is that you know how they feel from having experienced a similar situation. You don’t, and you never will. Keep your opinions to yourself, but be open to sharing when asked. Respect for another person’s autonomy can sometimes be reaffirmed just by keeping silent.
Last but not least, always remember that this could be your last encounter with them. Enjoy their company and treasure the lessons that you have learned from them. We were given two hours to be together, and despite the time limit, what was supposed to feel constricting was actually freeing. It was a humbling experience to see how they were choosing to handle their situation despite the reality that they were about to face as a family.
With the week that has flown by—celebrating a birthday, condoling with three friends who lost their beloved mothers, and ending it by watching a pre-Valentine show with dear ones—I couldn’t help but think that it was a reflection of how life is. With beginnings, there are inevitable endings. We shouldn’t waste time buried in the past or overanxious about the future; we all just need to live in the moment.
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