In praise of listening

My maternity leave has led to an unintended consequence: opting out of my usual platforms for discourse. I had no students, no colleagues, no clients, and no column to which I can express my thoughts and ideas. It was not a slow month for news, either, making my self-imposed abstinence from opinion an even bigger challenge. There were concerning developments regarding civil rights violations in the United States, escalation of tensions around the West Philippine Sea, impeachment cases filed against the two highest positions in the land, and of course the infamous remarks of Sen. Robinhood Padilla regarding the youth as “weak” for having mental health issues. What a time to bring a child into the world!

That said, listening and observing are underrated skills and perhaps we should devote our time to it more often. In psychological first aid, we follow the core actions of “look, listen, and link.” Before we prescribe any intervention, we must first look at the situation and listen to our clients. In psychotherapy, listening and observing are fundamental and at times make up much of our work. I would often remind my students that if the therapist did most of the talking in session, that probably wasn’t therapy. This is what prompts the misconception that our work is easy, and that “all therapists do is listen.” In fact, listening is much more difficult, and has more impact, than talking.

There are depths to listening. One can hear but not listen. One can repeat what one hears but still fail to understand. To listen actively and empathically, which is what psychotherapy requires, is to observe at multiple levels at the same time. To hear what is being said, to hear what cannot be said, to observe how things are said, and to understand the context behind what is being said.

To listen to others well, you must also know how to listen to yourself. How are you receiving what you heard? What emotions and reactions are coming up for you as you listen to the experience of others? What urges accompany these reactions? What biases and context do you have that are filtering what you are hearing? For therapists, it is especially important to be well acquainted with your own voice, so you don’t impose it on others. One should also have the humility to acknowledge that our experience and views are, by essence, limited. This will allow us to listen to others without judgment or constraint.

Being forced to stay in listening mode this past month has been a good and humbling reminder for me. I’ve inhabited various positions of authority–of being a teacher, therapist, and professional–that has made me, perhaps, too comfortable in expressing and asserting my views. (Caring for a newborn is, likewise, a humbling experience. No amount of imposing my will on this little one will change when she wants to feed, cry, sleep, and poop. I am forced, as her mother, to hone my listening and observing skills to better anticipate her needs so that I can have even a sliver of a chance of sleep and rest.)

Listening opens us up to resources we usually gloss over. First, listening gives us time. Instead of reacting quickly, we have time to process and digest. If I had written this article right after Padilla’s statement, I would have probably expressed indignation and focused on providing counterarguments. But having to sit with it for a week, as well as allowing my emotions to complete their cycle, I feel less of a need to quench my personal frustration. I still do not agree with the senator’s sentiments. However, I can locate that my true frustration lies in the realization that such sentiments still exist in society–especially among leaders and elected officials–and that our work as mental health advocates are far from over.

Second, listening leads to empathy and compassion. The extra time I had to reflect on what I heard helped me see how our narrow definition of what it means to be strong and our unwillingness to be vulnerable has led us to cut short our empathy for others. Listening bridges us to others, helping us to see our interconnectedness. It opens us up beyond our personal and direct experience. It allows us to experience lives far different from our own. We see how this refusal to listen to others have led to cruelty. For example, refusing to listen to the lived experience of immigrants, instead labeling them as “illegals” or “criminals,” made supporting actions that violate their civil rights easier. Our version of it is “Red-tagging,” where we put labels such as “adik,” “tibak,” or “komunista” to give ourselves permission to stop listening and to stop seeing them as fellow human beings.

For this season of Lent, Pope Leo has urged us to abstain from speaking hurtful words and rash judgment. A good way of doing this is by focusing on listening. We might be surprised by what we hear.

—————-

aatuazon@up.edu.ph