The weight they carry
On Easter morning, I woke up to an alarming piece of news. My mom had been rushed to the hospital after vomiting since Friday. I had been out of town, and felt so grateful that my sister lived nearby and had been diligently checking on her, and was able to rush my mom to the emergency room in time. We later learned that Mom had a severe case of intestinal obstruction and required open surgery.
At the hospital, I observed my sister, who is six years older than I am, take charge. Even if my dad was officially assigned to look after my mom, it was Ate who oversaw everything they needed. She spoke with doctors, sorted through insurance documents, tracked medications, and made sure Papa was eating and resting.
My role was slightly different. I would go to the hospital straight after work, so that Ate could return home to her children. Papa gets anxious when he sees my mom in pain, especially when we aren’t receiving updates from the doctors, and his stress would affect my mom. So my goal was to keep my dad calm and entertained as much as possible.
When my mom was discharged from the hospital, they discovered that my sister had already stocked their kitchen with two weeks’ worth of food. We were all moved by her foresight and in awe of how she expertly juggles care for my parents and her own family.
The “sandwich generation” refers to adults caught between caring for their children and their aging parents. While financial resources can ease this burden, many families experience significant strain on both finances and emotional bandwidth.
Research points out that today’s sandwich generation carries a much heavier load. Modern medical advancements have led to longer life expectancy. This means aging parents are living longer, often with chronic conditions that require regular and costly maintenance. At the same time, many are still supporting children well into early adulthood due to a more uncertain job market. In the Philippines, caregiving responsibilities can extend even further to grandchildren or extended family members, forming what is sometimes called the “club sandwich” generation.
The strain is often made worse because many families do not necessarily have transparent conversations with their children about their finances. Joy*, a Cebu-based entrepreneur, only found out that her 70-year-old father didn’t have enough savings when he borrowed money from her to pay for the renovation of their flood-affected home. “If only I had known five years ago that I would be currently responsible for my dad’s retirement plan, I would have saved more and prepared better,” she shared.
The weight of emotional labor is equally demanding, where the adult child needs to hold space for their aging parent’s fears, vulnerability, and loss of independence. There is also the question of time, particularly regarding who among the children will arrange to be consistently present.
In a family, care work is not always distributed evenly, and the roles are often shaped by what each member can instinctively carry out. I would be remiss not to say how grateful I am that my sister handles much of the invisible labor for our parents. This is partly because her work offers greater flexibility, and living nearby allows her to respond more quickly. Ideally, siblings should agree on an arrangement based on what they can realistically give and the limitations they face. Without clear expectations, the responsibility can just fall on one person, leaving others unsure how to step in. Over time, this dynamic may cause tension and resentment.
Time-sensitive choices like medical emergencies require decisiveness, so the siblings need to agree on who has the final say. “Not all decisions can always be made through group consultation or consensus,” Joy said. “Someone has to be the assigned primary decision-maker and empowered to make firm choices when emotions run high.”
The sandwich generation sustains households, often without recognition. But resilience should not be mistaken for capacity without cost. Research shows that multigenerational caregiving is a main driver of human capital depreciation. It leads to higher rates of stress, absenteeism, and fewer opportunities for professional development. A study by the Urban Institute found that these pressures can cause lasting economic consequences, especially for women, through reduced lifetime earnings.
Filipino families will always show up for one another. That is not in question. But our love and filial obligation are quietly absorbing the weight of absent support structures. We must move toward a “whole-of-society” approach where the state, the private sector, and the family share the load. By making health care and elder care affordable and supported by laws and workplace policies, we can turn multigenerational caregiving from a private duty into a shared social priority.
The sandwich generation is taking on more than its share. The least we can do is ensure it doesn’t carry it alone.
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eleanor@shetalksasia.com
