Discerning emotions in leadership
“You’re being so emotional!” is a phrase we hear as a judgment. It suggests that it is bad to feel and express emotions. Many leaders are labeled as emotional when they yell, cry or show some compassion. While on one hand we are told that our emotions are valid, on the other hand, we are told that we should just be objective and not let feelings get in the way.
In Neuro-Semantics, we say that emotions are just feedback. They’re messengers to provide information—about our values, our thinking patterns and our mental-emotional state. There is no good or bad emotion. There are emotions that feel bad in our bodies, and how we feel is just the output of our thinking. Our emotions direct us to levers for change.
When it becomes a problem
The emotion itself is never the problem. It’s the thinking that causes the emotion that is could be the problem.
When a dissenting opinion triggers a leader, it’s the interpretation of the event that causes the emotion. If the leader takes it offensively to mean questioning authority, it’s the narrative that needs to shift. When a leader comes to work after an argument with a spouse and berates people, this is a mix of unprocessed emotions getting in the way of one’s leadership.
When does emotion become a problem? It’s when we are doing emotional thinking. It is what we call a cognitive distortion. It is how children learned to think due to lack of brain development. L. Michael Hall calls this “feeling their way to thoughts.”
When we feel emotions at a high intensity, we get into an amygdala hijack. Our brain’s emotional center overrides rational thinking. Whenever we feel stressed, anxious, or afraid, we regress into this kind of thinking. This blocks our brain from clear, logical thinking.
In a 2011 paper by Shai Danziger, et. al. titled Extraneous Factors in Judicial Decisions, it was found that prisoners were much more likely to get favorable parole decision after a snack or lunch break than before. They call this the “hungry judge effect.” This shows that emotions and physiological states do affect our thinking.
How does emotion help leadership?
Rational thinking and feeling our emotions are not contradictory. We make bad decisions when we choose only one of them. Being able to think objectively and access our emotions should go hand in hand for us to make better business decisions. This is what makes empathic, compassionate leadership.
This doesn’t mean we should be too nice or tolerate substandard work. We maintain high standards, principled business decisions, while being compassionate. The mark of true leadership is someone who can allow these two elements to coexist at the same time.
During the pandemic, Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky had to lay off 1,900 employees. He had to make that decision because revenue dropped sharply. He made sure each laid-off employee had a generous severance, equity acceleration, 12 months of health insurance, a talent directory to help them find roles, and he personally called other tech CEOs to pitch his former employees.
That is how a leader can be in touch with his emotions and make sensible business decisions hand in hand.
What to do with emotions?
Name the emotion by asking “what am I feeling?” and “what is this about?” Since emotions are feedback, we want to know what the feedback is about. Is it feedback that I cannot take not being liked? Is it feedback that I need to do something about my relationship?
All emotions have positive intentions. When we’re frustrated, it tells us that our expectations were not met. If we feel constantly frustrated with how an employee performs, it’s good to ask if it’s a skill-gap issue or if expectations were unrealistic.
Anger means a value has been violated. If someone steals from us, being angry is the appropriate emotion. When we are afraid of disappointing our boss, it tells us that we value our boss’ opinion. Looking for the message behind each emotion signals us whether there’s something we need to change internally, like a change of a belief, or externally, like communicating our expectations with a teammate.
Instead of judgment, we approach each emotion with curiosity. These questions could help in inquiring within ourselves about the emotions.
- Where is this emotion coming from?
- What is it about? Is it appropriate in the given context?
- What kind of thinking brought about these emotions?
- Is it the right kind of thinking for this context?
- What is this emotion telling me?
- Do I want to keep feeling this emotion? If not, what needs to change?
In a world of chaos and uncertainty, we need leaders with emotions. We need them to have a good grasp of their minds and hearts, their thinking and feeling.
Being an emotional leader doesn’t mean being indecisive and unpredictable. Emotional leadership can be about empathy and compassion. That’s the kind of leaders the world of today needs.
(The author is an executive coach and organizational development consultant. Reach out through coachsheila.tan@gmail.com.)
