5 ways to heal from a friendship breakup
Friendships are fundamental to our growth as human beings. They’re responsible for taking us out of our comfort zones, teaching us the basic principles of love and respect, and forcing us to reevaluate our past decisions.
If you’re a believer in destiny, then you may also be wont to believe that people become a part of your story for a purpose. And sometimes, just as eagerly as they enter your life, they exit for reasons that can only be revealed through time.
Think about all the coming-of-age stories that involve complex protagonists—“Lady Bird,” “The Edge of Seventeen,” or “Booksmart.” The heroine’s journey is generally propelled by the removal of a close friend, the isolation from their safety net.
In these stories, it is only when the protagonists confront the end of something meaningful that they question their pursuit of all else. But in real life, the lesson isn’t quite as clear. Instead, we are forced to live in the indolent day-to-day of having lost a profound friendship.
If you’re navigating this particular kind of grief from the loss of a friendship—or a friendship breakup—here are some ways to get by.
1. Allow yourself to feel
Many are tempted to go about their lives as if nothing is wrong, but now is not the time to put on a brave face. True bravery comes in the form of vulnerability, which is why you must be honest with yourself about how you feel.
If the friendship breakup was particularly sudden, it can be disorienting. But don’t let that disorientation harden into indifference. Allowing yourself to explore difficult emotions is how you honor your past friendship; it’s also a means of navigating your conscience.
Do you feel guilt about the way things ended? Do you wish you could’ve done things differently? Don’t shy away from these kinds of thoughts. Hopefully they will lead you toward acceptance and healing.
2. Find closure
Sometimes, you don’t receive the luxury of a satisfying conclusion. Even if you were the one who decided to end the friendship, you may still be longing to hear something specific from your former friend.
It’s completely natural to desire an apology or explanation, but it may not be within their capacity. This is why it’s important to debunk one of the common misconceptions about closure: It doesn’t actually have to involve contacting the other person.
Closure, instead, can be found within yourself. Whether you’re the friend who initiated the breakup or the one who got broken up with, you can lead yourself toward some form of finality. By setting hard boundaries and reiterating the facts of your separation, you can begin to fully accept this loss.
3. Take accountability
Now, this part is crucial. Sometimes, your mistakes are obvious; other times it is only obvious to one party. The fault may be yours, the other’s, or a mutual misunderstanding from both. But no matter what, hurt is involved, and it’s important that you acknowledge your part in it.
This doesn’t mean you should shoulder all the blame; it just means you should take the time to consider your own role in your relationship’s ending. Blame and accountability are two different things—one is rooted in shame, while the other is oriented toward growth.
It may not feel good to reflect on what took place, but this kind of introspection will set you free. By taking accountability for your actions and knowing when you’re wrong, you are also protecting yourself from brewing potential bitterness and resentment.
4. Reevaluate kindly
A friendship breakup is one of the times you feel most vulnerable. If your friend knew you intimately, their abandonment can feel like exposure. You can spiral into thinking that their leaving—or your leaving—reveals that you’re a bad person or that you never deserved love in the first place.
It sounds extreme, but many of us underestimate the impact of losing a friend. It’s a devastating period in one’s life, but it can also be an opportunity to reevaluate. To deny that the end of the relationship calls for a reckoning is to enact willful ignorance, but to become cruel toward yourself is counterproductive.
The end of a relationship does not define you. But of course, it means something. It’s worthwhile to consider what it might mean without making an enemy out of yourself.
5. Turn to community
You may not feel it right now, but you are loved by the people around you. It’s okay to keep to yourself during this time, but try not to shut those people out. Just because it didn’t work out with one person doesn’t mean you are fated for failed relationships.
And if you don’t feel particularly welcome by the community you once shared, remember that there will always be others. Community is vital to us as human beings; we can only go so long without it.
The end of a friendship is rather ironic in that it also reinforces how important friendship is. Losing someone you love is a painful and necessary experience in life—it’s a reminder of who and what keeps you alive.
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