A cultural negotiation between guest and host
There is a quiet moment, just before you enter someone’s home, when you hover at the threshold and realize you have stepped into their living space and private culture. It is here that your instincts start to whisper:
“Do I take off my shoes?”
“May I bring a bottle of wine?”
“Should I mention that I am on a plant-based diet?”
Every home has its own rhythm and as guests or hosts, we engage in a kind of cultural negotiation.
Household etiquette is not global and never universal. It is cultural. It speaks the language of the home you are in. Not the one you came from.
From the guest’s point of view
Shoes off, slippers on
In some no-shoes-indoors home, there is a quiet rule. The respectful response is to observe, ask, and follow.
Pro tip: Bring clean socks or foldable slippers in your bag.
Not everything beautiful is for social media
Pause before you snap a photo of your host’s living room or art collection. Some moments prefer privacy. Know what to share and what to keep for your personal consumption.
Bringing food or wine
Always ask, “May I bring anything?” If you’re bringing wine, don’t expect it to be served. It is a gift, not a request. Bringing a cake? Check if there is fridge space. Generosity is lovely, but coordination is lovelier.
When you are running late
Life happens. Let your host know in advance. Being fashionably late has its place, but never without a heads up. A quick message keeps you on the gracious side.
Phones at the table
Be present. Unless the host is equally casual, put your phone away. Being truly with others is the rarest gift these days.
Fridge rules
Unless invited, the fridge, like the pantry, is off-limits. If you need water, ask first. Familiarity is no excuse for assumption.
Leftovers and goodbyes
If offered, accept graciously. It is a thoughtful Filipino trait, but don’t ask. Let it be offered. Some hosts prepare giveaways, but that is extra. The real takeaway should be the warmth and memory.
From the host’s point of view
Set the tone early
If your home prefers shoes off, let guests know beforehand. A quick message works wonders. Have a designated area for shoes to rest in style, an Abbey or Ikea shoehorn (or like me, keep in handy a Church’s foldable shoe horn in your bag), and a basket of clean, white hotel slippers that you’ve collected. These are small gestures that whisper comfort and care.
The guest list
Make it clear that RSVPs matter and plus-ones should be coordinated in advance. A surprise guest can disrupt seating, servings, and flow.
When guests bring gifts
If their wine or cake fits your evening, serve it. If not, thank them sincerely and save it for later. A gift is a gesture not an expectation.
Every plate matters
Ask your guests in advance if they have any allergies or dietary preferences. I once had a classmate in butler school with a gluten allergy. In the flurry of the bustling kitchen, the chef overlooked the gluten-free request, leaving my classmate to make a meal of french fries and quiet dismay. He felt unseen.
Good hosting means remembering. Taking mental notes for next time on who breaks out at the scent of shellfish, the one who loves ice cream (but not the aftermath), and the friend who has suddenly gone dry but deserves a good pour of alcohol-free bubbly.
Flaky is not a flavor
If someone cancels then re-confirms, stay gracious and flexible.
Paw protocol
Our dogs are family, but not all guests expect a tail at the table. Let’s respect boundaries and only let them out when guests are comfy (and the cheese is out of reach!).
Staff and support
Guests may arrive with a staff. While your duty lies with the invited guest, serving a glass of water or preparing a meal for accompanying staff shows hospitality that speaks volumes.
True polish is not just in the silverware. It is also in the way you treat and speak to the staff that reflects your upbringing.
Etiquette is a conversation
The art of hospitality, like all good art, lives in nuance. It is a quiet back-and-forth of care.
In that soft exchange, the offered slippers, the remembered food restrictions, we build something real such as respect and a sense of belonging. The culture of a home is how that world speaks to you and how you respond says everything.
The guest-host test
Are you a gracious guest or a guestzilla?
Answer yes or no:
1. I have posted on Instagram a host’s living room without asking.
2. I have opened a fridge, drawer, or cabinet I wasn’t invited to.
3. I have brought wine and was upset it wasn’t served.
4. I have forgotten to mention a food allergy or dietary preference.
5. I have texted “On the way!” from my bathroom.
Your score:
0–1 yeses: You are the kind of guest who gets invited back. Bravo!
2–3 yeses: Time for a little etiquette glow-up.
4–5 yeses: You’ve got room to grow. Start at the door and work your way up.
Are you an ideal host or an unseasoned one?
Answer yes or no:
1. I forgot to ask if any of my guests had dietary restrictions.
2. I did not follow-up on the RSVP and had no-shows.
3. I welcomed guests before I had the chance to shower.
4. I completely forgot the driver, nanny, or aide.
5. I opened the wine bottle a guest brought (even if it was warm and didn’t pair), out of politeness.
Your score:
0–1 yeses: Your home is run like a well-oiled haven.
2–3 yeses: You are generous, but could use a hosting tune-up.
4–5 yeses: Time to refine your hosting skills.
