A reminder before you ask, ‘Kailan ka magpapakasal’
Every Filipino family gathering holds moments that linger—warm hugs, plates filled with food, younger cousins playing video games, titos and titas chatting and drinking on the balcony, then someone cracks a joke that fills the air with laughter. Just when you thought you were safe, one of your older relatives would point at you and drop the infamous question: “Kailan ka magkakaroon ng jowa?” or “Kailan ka magpapakasal?”
Suddenly, the chatter and laughter die down. All gazes shift to you, making you the main course of the event.
Why me?
Infamous questions like “Kailan ka magkakaroon ng jowa” or “Kailan ka magpapakasal” have become a staple in every Filipino household during gatherings, a rite of passage that can wear you down—emotionally and mentally—often making gatherings less enjoyable and leaving you anxious. Questions about when you’re going to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or when you’re planning on getting married (if you do), stem from longstanding traditions that clash with modern perspectives and values.
This emotional tug-of-war fosters resentment and a heavy sense of obligation, as the pressure to follow social expectations and traditions conflicts with the pursuit of self-growth. Or even the readiness of a person to settle down in the first place (because ultimately, the next question will be: “Kailan ka magkakaanak?”).
For sociological instructor Maru Percela, family and religion serve as significant factors, as they strongly uphold traditional beliefs. “Kung galing ka sa pamilya na katoliko, malakas pa rin ’yong traditional na paniniwala na marriage being lifelong and marriage being sacred. Nakasentro ’yong pag-aasawa sa family duties,” she shares in an interview with Lifestyle Inquirer.
The main (dis)course
Like many women in their mid-20s, Arianna Samantha Lim, who’s currently in a three-year relationship, often finds herself navigating the social pressure around marriage. “Minsan nagugulat sila kasi matagal na [kami sa relationship]. Lalo na kapag tinatanong nila, ‘Ilang taon ka na nga pala?’ [Sinasabi nila] na malapit ka na mag-30. Dapat may anak ka na before 30. So, ’yon ’yong mga usual na sinasabi. Magpakasal ka na,” she says.
A survey from Arkipelago Analytics revealed that 60 percent of Gen Zs, who intend to get married, plan to do so after the age of 35. This age is typically beyond the ideal marrying age set by older generations, which is around their 20s—the so-called “right age range” for settling down.
Lim was no stranger to frequent interrogations, but such statements still offend her, especially since some of her relatives also urge her to have a child before turning 30, echoing the belief that childbirth becomes difficult beyond 30.
“Nakaka-offend at nakaka-pressure at the same time kasi as a woman, tayo nga, parang may timeline tayo na dapat magpapakasal na. Pero [ang] mga lalaki, wala, kasi any age, puwede sila magka-anak. Tapos tayo ang hirap,” Lim laments.
According to Healthline, the fertility of women starts to diminish roughly at the age of 32 and declines faster between the ages of 35 and 37. The risks of having endometriosis and tubal diseases increase over time, adversely affecting fertility. However, a new phenomenon emerges where women are now stepping into motherhood in their 40s, as advancements in fertility care, medical procedures, evolving career-focused lifestyles, and shifting notions of independence have empowered women to pursue life choices on their own terms.
Moreover, scientific data shows that men’s sperm health also weakens as they age, where older sperm adversely affects fertility, pregnancy results, and child health concerns. Hence, fertility applies to both men and women as a 2025 study from Penn State University researchers found that once the sperm fertilizes the egg cells, it forms protective mechanisms to lessen the risks of mutations linked to aging, which helps preserve the genetic stability and support overall fertility. This only proves that biological clocks aren’t exclusive to women; men also face it, too.
What’s more, financial security is also a concern for others. Three years into the relationship, Lim and her partner still live separately. She explains they are not yet financially stable enough to settle down, emphasizing the pressure of dealing with monthly bills, living expenses, and having to set aside enough money for emergencies when living together.
Why? The country’s inflation rate last September increased to 1.7 percent from 1.5 percent in August, attributing it to rising costs of food and transportation. Inflation is also one of the reasons why most younger generations opt to prioritize financial security and career growth rather than settling down.
Pressure is on
A 2024 study by Sonkaya and Öcal notes that women’s roles are associated with household management and excluded from professional pursuits, while men’s are ascribed as breadwinners and family leaders. “Itong pressure na ito, deeply rooted siya sa patriarchal norms. ’Yong very classic, traditional patriarchal norms, kung saan ang view ay ‘A woman’s success is often tied to her ability to sustain and build a family,’” Percela says. “While on the other hand, ’yong mga kalalakihan naman, men are more often measured by their career or financial stability.”
Apart from traditional expectations, the Filipino collectivist culture equates relationships, specifically marriage, to the family’s success and reputation, which explains why most Filipino families participate in the decision-making process when it comes to entering relationships and marriage.
“Sa context natin, ’yong pagpapakasal, for example, hindi siya between the couple’s personal milestones. ’Yong marriage is a social event, kasi. It reflects the overall family’s values, reputation, and even status,” the sociology instructor explains.
Some elders also view marriage as a measure of stability and success, considering the idea that settling down corresponds to social security and having the resources to sustain a family. But for Lim, she redefines success to financial stability, career growth, and a healthy life—aspirations mostly shared by younger generations.
Breaking the norm
In this economy, marriage is something that should be seen as optional rather than a requirement, the complete opposite of the traditionalist perspective. There are many factors that influence one’s decision to enter marriage or parenthood—something that society, especially elders, must acknowledge nowadays.
Marriage is not a competition. It doesn’t require a specific timeline, nor should it be pursued to meet societal expectations or family peer pressure. Likewise, success comes in many forms, not just in escalating the relationship status to another level or by having a child. And life choices? They aren’t made overnight. They’re a result of self-reflection. They’re personal decisions that shouldn’t be disrupted by unsolicited questions and comments casually raised during family events.
Above all, family as a core and social institution should be the first one to foster a safe space, instead of propagating social pressures and expectations among family members. Respecting and understanding one’s life preferences should be the cornerstone of all Filipino households, making everyone feel valued and respected unconditionally.
“So, at the very core, it’s important that it’s safe for everyone that everyone would feel accepted, they would feel valued, whoever they are, wherever they are, whatever they are, not for anything of what society expects us to be,” Percela ends.
It is important to recognize that intrusive questions on marriage should not be the main course of family gatherings. There are more valuable conversations that should be discussed rather than someone’s personal choices in life. Being compassionate and polite isn’t that difficult, unless you’re the type of relative whose hobby is to disturb someone’s peace of mind.
Let this be a reminder: be kind and have empathy for those who prefer self-growth to submitting themselves to the noises and expectations of family and society.
