Coparenting works, says John Lloyd Cruz
Actor John Lloyd Cruz is convinced that coparenting works. He claims to have no complaints about the setup that former actress Ellen Adarna had created so he could spend enough time with their son, Elias.
Coparenting, however, does not only involve a child’s biological parent but also those who are helping raise him, Cruz pointed out. In their case, Adarna is now married to actor Derek Ramsay, and so Elias, 6, gets to bond with him, too.
“That’s okay. It really depends on how what you call a ‘family’ is run. Each one is different,” said Cruz in a recent tell-all interview. He had intentionally made himself scarce since he left his home network, ABS-CBN, to live a “private life” with Adarna. The two eventually broke up in late 2019.
Cruz said he was aware that, unlike him, not all fathers are permitted by their estranged partner to spend enough quality time with their children. “Malala ang kwento ng iba,” he added. This was also why Cruz was noticeably careful about what he chose to share with reporters on what’s actually happening within their unique family setup.
“Give it time. You will eventually work things out,” Cruz said as a form of advice to those who may be struggling with coparenting.
He then admitted it was partly his fault that he and Adarna encountered conflicts early on, because he was “not able to process well” all the changes they had experienced as a result of their separation.
“In the beginning, I wanted to impose what I thought was the right way to handle the situation. Later, I realized that there’s another way, a better way. So now, everything is beautiful. I’m actually living a boring life,” he said.
Humbling
Cruz said he tries to not be an overindulgent dad to Elias (“It’s hard not to be one, since he’s not with me all the time”), and acknowledges that he still has a lot to learn about how to be a good parent. “I learn from Elias, too, and I find it quite humbling,” he said.
Being with Elias enables Cruz to know himself better. Whenever the boy is around, Cruz would often remind himself to just relax and not be too hard on himself. “There’s no such thing as a perfect dad. Also, each of us has a different experience when it comes to being one,” he observed.
When asked what he thought Elias took after him, Cruz said, laughing: “I really don’t know. Sana wala siyang namana.”
However, Cruz said he is excited about what Elias would grow up to be like, given his unusual family set-up. “With all that he has to endure and with all that he is learning every day, I’m excited to see how he will handle things and make decisions as he gets older.”
Cruz said he doesn’t think Elias is aware of his father’s status as an A-list actor, even though the boy has already seen him at work and has been to a number of his movie sets. “In his eyes, mukha akong walang pera, mukha akong pulubi,” he said.
“But one time, he told me, ‘Dada, I want to do what you do.’ I said, ‘What do you think I am doing?’ He replied: ‘I want to do art!’ In my mind, I said: ‘Naku! Anak, ‘wag!’, but what I actually told him was that I will support him in whatever he chooses to do when he grows up.”
As Elias’ dad, he claimed to have not really set any goals, except to make sure he is always present in the boy’s life. “I hope he knows that I’m just here for him. I really appreciate Ellen for the setup she has created. She knows that, although we have different ways, we both want to raise Elias well. I just wish we came up with this present agreement sooner,” he said.
Managing stress
Adarna recently gave birth to a baby girl—her first with Ramsay. Cruz thinks Elias is still struggling to know how to handle this.
“When I first asked how he felt about having a sister, Elias was still hesitant to discuss it,” Cruz said. “That’s why I was surprised to learn that when he got home, he gifted his sister with the artwork he made when we were together. He didn’t tell me about the plan. I only learned about it when I saw Ellen’s recent post. I told myself, ‘Elias is okay.’”
Sensing that Cruz was already comfortable with the fact that the interview was getting more personal, we then asked how he is doing, both physically and mentally. The 41-year-old said that aside from being conscious of what his body is trying to tell him, with the aches and pains he is now feeling as a sign of aging, he is now learning how to best manage stress.
One way to achieve this is to not be present on social media all the time, he said. “It’s really a struggle. Reading hurtful comments can still affect you no matter how immune to bashers you think you are.”
The lack of information on how he and Adarna broke up kept a lot of tongues wagging for a while. Some even said this happened because Cruz got addicted to illegal drugs.
“That’s how I was portrayed in the media. I remember one incident by the beach in Cebu (Adarna’s home province). Someone approached me and said, ‘We heard that you were taking shabu.’ I took off my shirt and told him, ‘Kuya, does this body look like I’m taking shabu? I’m actually always hungry.’ Tumatak ‘yon sa isip ko.”
We then asked what his goals are as a son to his own parents. “I just want to be able to give them the opportunity to do what they still want to do. They can’t travel with me that often anymore. This has already become a struggle,” he said.
As an artist, Cruz said the goal is “to eventually become a really good storyteller.” This does not necessarily apply to his being an actor—he hinted on a plan to actually direct a film soon.
“You don’t want to set expectations for yourself that are too high because, oftentimes, these change you,” he explained. “You keep pushing yourself to achieve your goals, not noticing that you’re already affecting the people you love in the process.”
Cruz’s latest project, Bor Ocampo’s “Moneyslapper,” won for him the best actor award at the recent QCinema International Film Festival.
