Get your kids to listen without the pushback
Picture this: You tell your kid, “Put on your shoes, we’re late!” They look at you like it’s a huge deal. Or maybe they ignore you, wander off or get visibly upset. Many kids, especially those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety or social learning challenges, respond to requests by either freezing, leaving or going into full “fight” mode.
In a webinar at Bright & Quirky, a resource hub for families with smart kids who face learning, social and emotional challenges, speech-language pathologist Linda Murphy said the issue may not be your message but how you deliver it.
Murphy suggested using declarative language: making observations instead of commands. This method can reduce defensiveness, encourage cooperation and make life easier for everyone involved. It’s like replacing a “Do it now!” button with a gentle invitation, allowing kids to come to their conclusions without feeling backed into a corner.
According to Debbie Steinberg Kuntz, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Bright & Quirky, “When parents ask kids to do something directly, we often end up with meltdowns, resistance or outright power struggles.” Instead, Kuntz suggested that declarative language allows children to feel more at ease, which can significantly reduce these stress-induced reactions.
Declarative language is a grammatical concept for making comments or observations rather than barking orders or asking pointed questions. It’s shifting from “You need to put on your jacket!” to something like, “Looks rainy outside. I’m putting on my hoodie.” This language swap creates a little space between what you’re saying and what your child might do. There’s no hidden “or else” lurking behind your words, which is crucial when dealing with a demand-avoidant child.
For kids with sensitive nervous systems, especially those prone to social learning challenges, declarative language is an invitation to observe, think and choose rather than react out of habit or resistance.
Turning commands into invitations
Jasmine (not her real name) shared how shifting from demands to observations worked wonders for her son Max, 6. Every morning, she’d tell Max to get ready for school and he would either drag his feet or have a meltdown.
One day, Jasmine tried a different approach. Instead of saying, “Go get dressed!” she simply commented, “I see your backpack’s by the door and I’m putting on my shoes.” She watched as Max slowly took in the scene: Mom getting ready, his bag by the door and the clock ticking. He shuffled off to his room to get dressed; no fuss, no pushback. Declarative language helped him “connect the dots” instead of feeling bossed around.
You can work some of this magic with your demand-avoidant child. “Put on your shoes” can be rephrased to “I see it’s almost time to go. My shoes are on already.” Instead of a direct command like “Sit down for dinner,” a declarative statement like “Dinner is on the table. It smells delicious!” may work better. Rather than “Do your homework,” saying “The table is clear and ready whenever you’re ready for homework” may be a better prompt.
The shift may feel small, but it helps children approach tasks with a sense of autonomy over time. They’ll be more likely to think, “Maybe I will put on my shoes,” instead of digging in their heels or tuning you out.
Building problem-solving skills
Declarative language also fosters independence and critical thinking. With a group of kids, instead of barking, “Everyone line up!” you say, “Hey, I noticed the kids are already lining up at the door. Must be time to enter the room!” Now you’ve given your child information without a demand attached. They can observe the situation, put two and two together, and choose to line up themselves.
This approach is particularly useful for children who struggle with picking up on social cues. Instead of relying on external orders, they learn to read the room and navigate situations independently, a skill they’ll carry well beyond childhood.
Trying out declarative language doesn’t mean abandoning all structure, nor does it imply you’ll never directly ask your child to do something again. It’s just a tool you can use when you sense resistance bubbling up or want to encourage your child’s independence.
Instead of “Say hi to Grandma,” try: “Oh look, Grandma’s here!” Now, your child can choose how and when to greet her. They’ll feel more comfortable and respected because the interaction isn’t dictated.
Rather than “Let’s get out the door,” try: “I see we’re both almost ready to leave.” This nudge, especially with some playful enthusiasm, can make getting out the door smoother.
Kids aren’t robots. They want to feel like their choices matter. You create a more peaceful, connected relationship by inviting them to notice, think and act rather than pushing them with commands. Declarative language might not work miracles overnight, but consistency can help shift the dynamic in a way that feels less like a battle and more like a team effort.
Redirecting from demands to invitations, declarative language helps children think, choose and feel respected, deepening connection.
