How to console the grief-stricken
She may not be familiar to the younger generation, but American author and novelist Emily Post was known for writing about how one should behave in polite society. Some of the rules may have evolved since she wrote her first book, “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home” (1922), but when it comes to condoling with someone who is grieving, one need only use any of these three sentences as listed on emilypost.com: “I am sorry for your loss,” “I am so sorry,” or “I am here for you.”
They’re not that difficult to remember, but why do so many of us always seem to say the wrong thing?
On Facebook, a new widow posted a public note a few months ago about a list of death etiquette gaffes she felt compelled to share, if only for others to avoid repeating the same mistakes. They included refraining from being the first to post about a person’s death on social media especially if you’re not a family member, posting a condolence banner if they see a post that didn’t come from the family, or asking questions like, “Is it true? Did he suffer?”
She didn’t include platitudes such as “They’re in a better place,” “There’s a reason for everything,” “You’re still young and can have another child,” and “I know how you feel.”
The list of wrong things to say is long and, for the bereaved, painful to hear and to continue hearing.
Focus on consoling
“I think the problem with lines like these is that the grieving relatives are not yet at that point of the process, especially in the context of a wake where the loss has just happened within the past couple of days,” said Dr. Raphael Inocencio, chair of the Clinical Psychology Division of the Psychological Association of the Philippines.
“While we understand that the intention of the condoler might be to offer consolation or support, perhaps we should focus on that, offering consolation and support instead of our perspective,” he told Lifestyle in an email interview.
Telling the bereaved they’re still young and can always have another child is painful, he said, because it’s like you’re communicating to the parents that the life they lost did not matter, that it’s just another thing that can easily be replaced.
“Again, choose to offer support directly by offering your condolences and focusing on asking how they are doing and if they need anything. You can also offer to do things around the wake,” Inocencio said.
Grief coach Cathy Babao posited several possible reasons why people say the wrong things during or after a wake.
“Many people feel uncomfortable around grief and often resort to clichés or platitudes as a way to ease their own discomfort. Someone who has never experienced the death of a close loved one like a parent, child, spouse, sibling, or dear friend may be at a loss for words. The person’s experience and worldview about death is often what drives the discomfort or awkwardness,” Babao told Lifestyle in an email interview.
Insensitive
There is also the desire to offer comfort, and while the intention may be good, the phrases used might come out lopsided or downright insensitive. Babao gave as an example telling a parent whose child has just died: “It’s a good thing you still have other children. Focus on them instead.”
“If you’ve never walked in a bereaved parent’s shoes, this is one of the worst things you can say to them. One child will never replace another,” Babao said.
Another reason could be a lack of understanding, as grief is unique for each and every person. “Those who haven’t experienced a similar loss might struggle to comprehend the depth of the grieving person’s feelings, leading to misguided attempts at consolation. Even those with similar losses—for example, widows—will have different ways of mourning and grieving. If you aren’t sure about what to say, it’s better not to say anything and simply be present for your friend or family member,” said Babao.
“We must assure the relatives that we are available for them, if we truly are,” Inocencio added.
Aside from keeping in mind the three lines mentioned by Post that express one’s sorrow and are respectful to the grieving, Babao shared a few more:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now” shows the bereaved empathy and recognition of their pain.
“I’m here for you. If you need someone to talk to or help with anything—meals, errands, or just company—please let me know” gives them a clear option for support.
“You can also bring care baskets filled with things they love to eat or items that give comfort like books, flowers, scented candles, comfort pillows, or soft blankets.”
Sharing memories
When you share your memories or anecdotes about the loved one who has died, you honor them and momentarily bring them back. “I remember when [insert a positive or funny memory or story about the deceased]. They brought so much joy to so many people.” Babao said this can help the bereaved feel connected to their loved one.
Simply being there and being present is enough. “You can say, ‘I’m here with you. Let’s sit together.’ Just being a comforting presence can mean a lot. If you are truly close to the person, a long hug is often very comforting. If you are unsure, you can always preface the act by asking, ‘Can I give you a hug?’”
Long after the wake and burial, check in regularly. After some time has passed, continue to check in. “A message like, ‘I’ve been thinking of you. How are you doing?’ shows ongoing care and support. Remember them especially when holidays or birthdays and anniversaries draw near. Mark those days on your calendar and make a note to yourself to reach out to your friend. These little acts of kindness and comfort will be much appreciated.”
Added Babao, “Remember to focus on empathy, connection, and support. The most important thing is to allow the bereaved to feel heard and cared for during this difficult time.”
