Overdrawn ‘body budget’: Why neurodivergent kids struggle in school
Does your child seem to lose focus or energy faster than their peers? Or perhaps they exhibit problematic behaviors at school that make them stick out or be seen as “weird”? Understanding their “body budget” may offer a new perspective.
In a webinar for Bright & Quirky, an online psychoeducation company that helps families with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety and learning differences like dyslexia and/or on the autistic spectrum, clinical psychologist and author of “Brain-Body Parenting” Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. introduced an interesting take on how to view children’s behaviors. She explained that frustration, disengagement or emotional outbursts usually signal an overdrawn “body budget” and shared what parents and caregivers can say to school staff to support kids’ unique nervous systems and behaviors.
“The body budget is a metaphor for allostasis, how our brain constantly regulates the stability of our physical bodies through our use of oxygen, glucose, salt, water, all things humans need to stay upright,” Delahooke said.
When a child’s nervous system is stressed, the body budget depletes more rapidly. This leads to behaviors that may be misunderstood by adults who need to know that neurodivergent children’s body budgets get eaten up quickly in conventional school settings. Delahooke believes it may be because their nervous systems aren’t properly understood. They carry those stress loads to appear like everybody else or to fit in and listen without being able to move their bodies in certain ways.
Recharge their batteries
Unlike typically developing children, for many neurodivergent kids, sitting still, focusing and meeting educational expectations can be exhausting to their nervous systems. Delahooke suggested that when such kids’ body budgets are overstretched, they may struggle to keep up with their peers, let alone excel. This can leave them feeling emotionally spent, like a battery running on empty.
Licensed marriage and family therapist and Bright & Quirky founder Debbie Steinberg Kuntz added, “Kids say some version of ‘I’m a pile of junk’ or ‘I’m gonna throw myself in the trash.’ These big behaviors come up, and outsiders might think these kids need to manage their conduct. But first, we need to understand what is happening to their batteries.” Delahooke explained that these feelings come from the invisible emotional strain such kids experience while trying to meet everyday expectations.
In response to what seems like minor frustrations, they exhibit meltdowns or show defiance. Delahooke said when we see these big behaviors, we should recognize that their body budget needs a deposit; it’s overdrawn. Their conduct is not due to a lack of discipline or motivation; their battery just needs a recharge. So, instead of punishing or managing these behaviors, she recommended teachers, caregivers and parents to consider if the child’s body budget is depleted.
Changing the conversation
When such kids run on empty, they don’t need more rules or stricter consequences; they need a “deposit” to their system. Give them a break, offer reassurance or simply acknowledge how hard they are trying.
Despite the growing body of research linking neuroscience to child behavior, Delahooke pointed out that many schools still zero in on behavior management instead of addressing the underlying causes of emotional dysregulation. What usually happens instead is such kids are encouraged to “try harder,” given a better incentive, or worse, ignored when they exhibit nonpreferred behavior when we should ask how sturdy they are in their brain and body at that moment.
Instead of pushing them to be better or isolating them for misbehavior, Delahooke suggested that a compassionate response like a kind look or a reassuring word can be a good enough recharge. You might say, “I see you’re trying super hard. Let’s take a breather.” A small gesture like this can help restore a child’s balance and prevent further stress.
She warned that the worst thing we can do when a child’s body budget is low is to isolate them socially. If children aren’t valuing themselves, this is likely because the messages they’re being given aren’t compassionate or understanding.
Instead, verbalize how you see them making an effort in the last hour, so encourage them to take a break. A teacher can give something as simple as a kind look, saying, “Oh buddy, I see you. I see how hard this is.”
Isolation only deepens their frustration and exhaustion, often leading to bigger behavioral challenges, when empathy and compassion are what they need. Incorporating the body budget concept into our understanding of children’s behavior enables us to approach their needs with more insight. It shifts the focus from managing behavior to nurturing resilience, ultimately helping neurodivergent children thrive.
Bright & Quirky (brightandquirky.com/) works with families of children who are gifted but also face challenges like ADHD, anxiety, dyslexia or autism, helping them live happier, more productive lives.
