Santa’s sack’s empty in ‘Red One’
When Dwayne Johnson and a motley group of peers launched a reboot of the beloved ’90s film “Jumanji,” it was with director Jake Kasdan (“Sex Tape,” “Bad Teacher,” “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”), and the result was two movies that made bank at the box office. Notably, “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” and “Jumanji: The Next Level” are also the two occasions where one can actually see Johnson acting, as he had to be Alex Wolff in the first and Danny DeVito(!) in the second. So it should be no surprise to see Johnson teaming up with Kasdan again for “Red One,” their holiday offering this 2024. By studio logic, it makes sense.
Another way in which this is a familiar team-up for Johnson: the script is by Chris Morgan, who has written seven of the 11 “Fast & Furious” movies, five of which starred Johnson. Interestingly, Morgan’s first produced screenplay was 2004’s “Cellular,” which starred a young Chris Evans, Johnson’s costar in “Red One.” His most recent movie release, “Shazam!: Fury of the Gods,” starred Lucy Liu, also in “Red One.” Is this starting to feel like a conspiracy?
Rounding out the main cast are the titular character, Santa Claus himself, played by JK Simmons, and Kiernan Shipka, here playing an ancient witch named Gryla (as opposed to the teenage one she portrayed in “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina”). Kristofer Hivju, the lovable Tormund from “Game of Thrones,” plays Krampus, and steals the movie every time he’s onscreen.
Johnson plays Cal Drift (a nod to the third “Fast & Furious” movie?), a member of ELF (Enforcement, Logistics, and Fortification) and Santa’s head of security. About to retire after centuries of service, Santa is kidnapped from his home base at the North Pole, and Cal has to marshal all the resources at his disposal to find and recover him immediately, with less than 72 hours until Christmas Eve.
With the help of Liu’s Zoe, who heads MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority), they secure the unenthusiastic services of Jack O’Malley (Evans), a talented hacker who supposedly can find out where anyone is in the world based on their digital footprint. So begins a race against time that takes the unlikely buddy cop duo around the world through several time zones and places of legend.
“Red One” aims to skate by on its perceived strengths, but it overestimates. The entire project gives the impression that it was designed by algorithm, that was then further focus grouped and handed over to marketing. There’s a randomness that begs questions, and those questions are often more intriguing than what’s onscreen. Why is there a scene where Santa lifts weights and gets spotted by Cal? Was it requested by Simmons to show off his righteously jacked and swole self? Why cast the lovely Bonnie Hunt as Mrs. Claus if you’re not going to give her anything to do? If Jack’s primarily a hacker-type, why is he such an action bro as well? He all but escapes the tactical team MORA sends after him, until the movie decides it’s a keen place to show off Liu’s character.
Kitted-out nonsense
There are some valid attempts at being something more: Jack’s reasoning for being an absentee father is actually, in a warped way, kind of noble, even if misguided. Cal himself needs some of that Christmas spirit, and Jack gives it to him.
But it’s all swallowed up in a bunch of kitted-out nonsense, a very American viewpoint that sees Christmas as transactional, obviously in love with the military-industrial complex (on both sides!). It’s a mystery that rankles: who is this movie even for? There’s too much swearing and the action’s too intense, so that takes out kids. Teens are unlikely to go for the sappy feels and “Santa is real” conceit, and if you’re an adult and you don’t have a kid, did you think this was the new “Fast & Furious?” The action isn’t even very interesting, it’s not staged well or clever, the jokes are really just variations of “I can’t believe that just happened!” aside from two points where the movie shows signs of life: Nick Kroll as a sleazebag broker with a killer split, and Hivju’s Krampus. For a movie with a budget of $250 million, why do the effects look like a blurry morass? Why introduce a polar bear member of ELF and then bench him?
Even when the A-plot has been resolved, the movie overstays its welcome with what is supposed to be a charming but indirectly creepy montage of home invasions around the world. It’s not even certain if the actors had fun making this. With Johnson back doing his one role, there’s not much here to justify this running time or expense. Maybe a third “Jumanji” is in the works; those at least remembered to be fun.
