Setting boundaries, Filipino-style
In the Western mind, “boundaries” often refer to clearly defined terms of engagement—or better yet, something written as a legally-binding agreement. In Filipino psychology, boundaries are constantly negotiated depending on the depth of a person’s relationship with another.
These boundaries are enforced through “hiya,” which is our social sensitivity and context-specific manners.
More than just shame or guilt
On the outside, hiya can look like shame, but we also know that we only have hiya about something if we care about creating or maintaining certain relationships. Psychologists long ago have already pointed out that hiya is not necessarily tied to guilt. I may not feel guilty about what I did—but I feel hiya that you found out about it.
Hiya can be an uncomfortable experience, but this is what controls the self-centeredness of our individual ego. It helps us think about others. A person without hiya (walang hiya) is seen as rude and inconsiderate.
Some try to “reclaim” being walang hiya because they have been raised as “people pleasers.” But ironically, it only answers the problem by deepening separation rather than strengthening relationships. And the truth is that relationships are not just about pleasure and comfort; it is also, sometimes, the discomfort of growth, going out of your own comfort zone, being challenged to be a better person, and so on. We cannot just be pleasing others, or be pleased by others. It stunts us and leaves us trapped.
If you really think about it, the toxicity hiya supposedly has is actually promoted by people who are walang hiya. They want to impose a standard and suppress uniqueness or disagreement. Nobody should question them or how they have always done things.
That is not the real hiya that comes from within a person who cares. That is the kind of hiya that comes from outside—that is forced as a form of social control.
Ibang Tao versus Hindi Ibang Tao
At the core, we are all kapwa, but that does not mean that we cannot have boundaries with each other. There are two levels of kapwa: Ibang Tao (stranger) and Hindi Ibang Tao (one-of-us). Our treatment of Ibang Tao is different from our treatment of Hindi Ibang Tao. The former does not have the same access to social and physical resources as the latter does.
With the Ibang Tao, we just treat them with politeness (pakikitungo). We only start to trust others when they start to really participate in our activities (pakikisama).
Our position in this spectrum is negotiated by feeling with others and being sensitive to their needs (pakikiramdam). We stop when we feel that we have offended others, and we act when we feel that others need our help. That is our application of hiya. That is how we become Hindi Ibang Tao. The deepest level of kapwa is pakikiisa, which is oneness.
On crossing and setting boundaries
Actually, people cross boundaries when they do not respect the appropriate and patient process of socialization. There are two ways to do this: panghihimasok and pananakop.
Panghihimasok means to enter by force, usually by insisting oneself upon another person’s body or space. No time is taken to feel with them. When we knock on doors, we often say, “Tao po!” This is a gentle call to the human (tao) within, by announcing that there is a human outside. But in panghihimasok, they do not knock gently on the door—they blast through it.
Pananakop refers to subjugation, usually in the context of colonization. But this happens in a lot of subtle, everyday ways, too. Instead of forcefully entering into our space, they forcefully include us in theirs, without asking us if we wanted to be a part of it in the first place. They take over conversations, projects, and so on.
The fact that we have to “set clear boundaries” today implies that we have been crossing each other’s boundaries. The society we live in promotes and encourages panghihimasok and pananakop, especially when they can turn a profit—we enter spaces, assert our dominion, and take what we can.
This is the kaniya-kaniya (to each their own) mentality at play. It is the same mentality of the colonizer. So in order to effectively set boundaries, we must recover our sense of care for others, and with it, our social sensitivity—that is, our hiya.
