The Andrew, formerly known as Prince
This time last week, there were two dinosaurs heading towards extinction. One of them was Juan Ponce-Enrile, who has since passed. The other is the British monarchy.
Dinosaurs, scientists have suggested, tend to get wiped off the face of the earth due to a catastrophic event, say, the impact of an asteroid smashing directly into our planet, or perhaps a volcano’s cataclysmic eruption (for more details, kindly refer to the end of the Cretaceous period some 66 million years ago).
Barring another asteroidal impact, one could perhaps assume that advanced age, rapacious and predatory behavior, and relentless politicking might hasten the demise of modern-day dinosaurs. Or it could simply be their failure to adapt to the inexorable march of time and the attendant changes in the environment, not to mention the emergence—and dominance—of newer species.
A very royal fuck up
The contemporary iteration of the British Royal Family quite enjoys patting itself on the back for acknowledging that the times, they are a-changing, and to survive, the king and his ilk must streamline and adapt.
But it remains a monarchy that has, since its violent origins in 1066 with the Norman Conquest by William the Conqueror (earlier even, if you count the scattering of Anglo-Saxon kingdoms that arose around 410 CE after the fall of the Roman Empire), been dominated by kings and princes, save for three remarkable epochs under the reign of three women: Elizabeths I and II, and Victoria.
And even the most royal of men, one might say, can’t seem to resist the urge to comport themselves like dinosaurs, weighed down and ultimately castrated, metaphorically speaking, by their own excessive appetites, their stubbornness, and their penchant for economizing—when it comes to the truth.
Take the Andrew formerly known as Prince. Recently stripped of his royal titles and privileges because of his connection to the notorious Jeffrey Epstein. It is the scandal that keeps on giving, complete with photographic evidence, and despite his strenuous, sweaty denials—oh, wait, didn’t he say he had an unusual condition that precluded him from that most plebeian of functions, sweating? Perhaps he could thank multigenerational inbreeding for that particular trait.
Anyway, the fetishist formerly known as Jeffrey Epstein’s royal bud seems to have had a proclivity for nubile, underage girls, in particular Virginia Giuffre, one of the most best-known and most outspoken victims of the late pedophile sex trafficker and Mossad spy. Guiffre—who died under mysterious circumstances, later ruled as a suicide—filed a civil suit against Andrew, alleging sexual abuse, or, in starker terms, rape of a minor.
He settled, or rather, his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, settled the suit in February 2022 for $16 million, reportedly using private funds from the Duchy of Cornwall estate and not taxpayer money, in a classic case of “Mummy, please make it go away.”
Unfortunately, the tantalizing drip-drip of Epstein’s emails has pretty much given credence to the fact that Andrew was lying throughout that ill-advised 2019 television interview, later immortalized in infamy, thanks to the mini-series “A Very Royal Scandal” that dramatizes this very royal fuck-up.
Pedo pedo pedo pedophilia
Lest one think of Andrew as the anomaly rather than the standard, royal families everywhere have, throughout history, had their share of rapists and pedophiles—whether they were pedophiles themselves or they frequented the company of pedophiles. Charles, for instance, the current British monarch and Andrew’s brother, was friendly with Jimmy Savile, that disreputable degenerate and convicted child abuser.
More recently, it has come to light that the king’s idol and mentor, his cousin Lord Mountbatten, known as Dickie, had sexually abused and raped boys as young as 11 at a Belfast children’s home in the summer of 1977, two years before he was killed at the age of 79. A right royal prick if there ever was one.
The competition for the title, however, is, um, a stiff one. May he and his lot go the way of the dinosaurs.
