The awkward truth: Filipino parents grapple with sex talk
“Sex is good. Sex is very good.”
I can still remember verbatim what was written in my “Catechism of Catholic Faith” textbook that caused a lot of giggles in our class when we first encountered it. The boys ran around like apes quoting it while holding their books open over their heads.
Back then, we thought it would be a saucy topic, but it turned out to be very boring. Our teacher stoically talked about how it was important to do the act within the sanctity of marriage and it was the premise of our lessons on the Sacraments.
I attended the University of Santo Tomas, a Catholic university, all my life. On my sophomore year in high school and prior to the Marriage Sacrament discussion, our Biology class tackled sex.
I remember that day very well. They gathered all sections in the auditorium for a film screening showing different parts of the body and how sperm and egg cells work. It was an informative, straightforward, and very science-based approach. It made us feel safe enough to ask questions about reproduction, despite the mix of boys and girls.
That is, until one boy raised his hand to ask: “How do I know I properly inserted my penis in the right hole?”
It was pandemonium. Everybody laughed, some covered their faces, and a lot more blushed. I saw our Biology teacher cringing. The teachers were not expecting this question. I don’t remember what the reply was, but I know the question was deflected.
Perhaps this was a question that the boy should’ve asked his parents or adult figures in his life.
Taboo
But here’s the problem. Sex is a taboo subject for most Filipino parents and their children. My own parents never talked to me about sex and left the task to my school. At least they had a clear opinion on who was responsible for the sex education. Some parents are not so sure.
A fellow parent I asked couldn’t give me a direct answer, but she said that she tells her daughter not to allow anyone to touch her.
In contrast, we are very open in our home. We started discussing body parts with our daughter as early as 3 years old, with firm emphasis on consent.
Other parents believe that it’s a joint responsibility between school and parents. I spoke to Sean Snow who has two sons, ages 13 and 5; Bianca and Ralph Macahilig who have a son, 10; Apple (full name withheld) who has two daughters, ages 13 and 9; and Dyali Justo, who has a grown daughter. They all said that parents, teachers, and health professionals should work together on this.
Dyali emphasized the importance of sex education because, as a public school teacher, she has encountered instances where her students engaged in sexual acts with no idea of the consequences.
The parents had different answers when asked when the right age is to talk about sex to children.
Sean: During preteen or early teen years, around 12-13 years old, because that’s when they start exploring the changes in their bodies.
Dyali: It has to be as early as possible at home. It starts with identifying body parts especially when they start being curious and asking questions. In school, as soon as they are enrolled in toddlers’ class. There has to be consistency especially on how we name the body parts.
Apple: It should be around grade 4, when the minds of the children are starting to be more developed. They are more inquisitive and are more exposed to many different factors like social media, peer influence, and online content. At this stage, they begin to ask more complex questions and are better able to process and understand sensitive topics.
Macahiligs: Discussion should be gradual. Teaching them about body parts is a great start, from around 7 to 9 years old. But for more deeper conversation, do this in their teenage years.
Curiosity
At what age did your child become curious about things related to sex? How did you deal with it?
Sean: My [teen] son is not asking right now but he got circumcised last year so we discussed why it was then. He noticed the changes in his body so I started explaining why he’s undergoing these changes. There was an incident in school when he became a witness and told on his schoolmates who were viewing pornographic materials. It was then that I realized that it was time, because he might get wrong information from others.
Dyali: Before preschool age, my daughter asked, when could she wear a bra like me? Then she also wanted to know what sanitary pads were for. Is it like a diaper? I talked to her about breast development and menstruation.
Apple: Both my daughters did not express any interest in things like this. My youngest knew about kissing at age 6 but did not ask how babies are made. I discussed the full process of sexual intercourse to my then sixth grader. She was disgusted, but I told her that sex is a natural thing being done by legally married couples.
Macahiligs: Our 10-year-old is still not curious about intimacy/baby-making, just the difference between boy and girl body parts, and also the [use of] underwear.
A parent’s challenge
Do you think sex education should be values-based (aligned with cultural or religious beliefs), purely scientific, or a combination of both?
Sean: Combination, but more on science. They should have a strong understanding of biology, and then you relate religious beliefs so the child will have more understanding of the hows and the whys.
Dyali: Scientific can be straightforward, it is good, but I think the values part is as important.
Apple: I believe the scientific aspect should be highlighted. After all, everything involved in the process is scientific. Religious beliefs and values should be discussed as side notes to support the concept of sex.
Macahiligs: A combination. Facts and how to deal with the facts. This will eventually lead to deeper conversations about emotions and responsibility.
What challenges or concerns do you have about discussing sex with your child?
Sean: Maybe the fact they get embarrassed by it, that’s why they have a hard time opening up to us.
Dyali: There’s none.
Apple: The only challenge I can think of is how exposed children are to social media that something as natural as sex may be perceived as something gross or bad. As a parent, it is my responsibility to have them realize that sex is something natural, and is meant to be practiced by married couples. Additionally, practicing safe sex in the context of family planning should also be highlighted because of several factors affecting our lives such as growing population, poverty, and so on. This doesn’t have to go as far as telling them to use condoms or birth control pills once they get married, but more on proper planning in building their future families.
Macahiligs: Wondering if the level of conversation is appropriate to the kid’s age. How do we make the discussion comfortable? We also consider if it will create confusion from the things our child has heard from others and what he’s seen on television.
