What moms really feel—but don’t tell you
Last year, I “kept it real” and wrote about having a miserable Mother’s Day. I received messages and comments from friends and strangers reaching out to say they experienced the same. These mothers just didn’t want to express their longing for appreciation or love. They commiserate but aren’t willing to openly admit their desire or disappointment.
“You are not the only one who feels this way. Many mothers take this situation quietly,” my mom said.
Why don’t we talk about it? Because mothers are supposed to be uncomplaining, openhanded and generous; we aren’t supposed to make others feel uncomfortable. While some of us say it’s not a big deal, some secretly admit that it is.
“I can relate! I didn’t get anything, too!” a friend laughed. “I usually don’t naman so I don’t expect anything. But sometimes I hope they do something to show their appreciation. Oh well. But what I have learned over the years is to cling to the One who sees everything and loves me no matter what. And that gives me joy and peace.”
Another comment was, “This is why I always write letters on such occasions. Thank you for sharing this.”
“Mother’s Day weekend was not for me as well. Saturday was for my mom and Sunday was for my mother-in-law, so none for me. At least I got a card from my bunso,” said a friend.
Another said, “I enjoyed your article. As two adults living with our mom, we no longer fuss over commercialized events. It was more of a thing when we were younger: cards, arts and crafts projects. The school would also train us to make all sorts of things for all occasions. Not celebrating doesn’t bother any of us, because every day is pretty much a show of love through acts of service and quality time.
“However, the day after Mother’s Day, I apologized to Mom for not specifically preparing anything for her. She said, ‘It’s okay, you always cook for us.’ But, I understand your sentiments and need for affirmation/showering of attention, I guess all one needs to do if one wants certain things is to specifically and directly ask for it.”
‘Dedma’
Still, a friend revealed that being explicit offers no guarantees: “Looking back, Mother’s Day was fun for me because we went on trips … then I remembered, I was the one who booked those trips! Now that I couldn’t book trips as easily as before, patay ang Mom’s Day, and my son, dedma. Hindi na nga hints eh (It’s not just hints anymore). I literally asked for a card, waley pa rin (still, nothing).” She confessed that her mistake was telling her hubby not to buy her flowers, and to use the money to eat out instead. So he didn’t. “And as you said, puno ang restos (restaurants were full) and traffic, so we ended up going to nearby eateries instead. Hugs! I’m just glad to know that what I felt was normal. I felt guilty for feeling that way.”Some readers embraced normalizing such emotions: “It’s okay to feel things that aren’t always rainbows, candies and unicorns—even when one is a mother! Thanks for sharing this!”
Another added, “I think it’s okay to express that we need appreciation and care, too, especially these days when it’s so easy to get distracted and disconnected. We set people aside and go about our days thinking they’ll be there where we leave them, and such people feel taken for granted. I see you. I’m always in awe of mothers especially in this day and age when you seem to be wearing so many hats and juggling so many things.”
Vulnerability
While one lauded my “raw and honest storytelling,” there’s a price to exposing one’s vulnerability. Not everyone appreciated the perceived self-indulgence. Perhaps my pagdadalamhati (grief) was fueled by perimenopausal hormones.
“Every day is Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Father’s Day to some,” someone wrote.
“It’s just another mall-induced day,” said another.
“Perhaps because there is no pressure on dads to make something happen,” someone countered.
A reader said, “So sorry you experienced this. May I ask if your husband did anything to celebrate the occasion (if he’s still in the picture)? Asking lang because children usually follow their parents’ lead. He should have been the one sending cakes and flowers to your mother-in-law, handling restaurant reservations, organizing movie time and getting the kids to plan a surprise.”
My cousin Sharon said that she’s always told her daughter and husband that on Mother’s Day, all she wants is not to be a mother. “As in, I don’t want to cook, plan meals or make mom decisions. We can lie around all day or go out, basta they don’t expect me to take care of them, too … happy na ako. We usually end up eating out anyway.”
A stranger boldly shifted the responsibility back to me: “Good that you were able to self-soothe, but there’s a lesson about communicating your expectations here. Hints don’t work, sadly. And reading that you had such a transactional view to (sic) your child’s card was just uncomfortable.”
I told her to marinate in the discomfort. Kids manipulate, test limits, act impulsively then expect a minute’s good behavior or a half-hearted apology to make it all better without consequences. It was important to me that they know that being inattentive and unappreciative can hurt not only me but also others in their future relationships.
My ever-wise Ninang Pinky advised, “As our children get older, prepare for more heartbreaks. Even if we are sure they still love us and are still good children, they will seemingly drift away because of other interests or priorities. The language of love will keep changing.” —Contributed INQ
