Why I gave up my dream of becoming a housewife
As a kid, I dreamed of becoming a beautiful, domestic housewife in a cozy home. In this hazy, romantic dream, I do the laundry, make the beds, vacuum, and meal prep with a telenovela playing in the background. When my husband returns from work, I’d greet him with a kiss, and then cook dinner while he washes the dishes. I would find contentment in that balance.
But as I grew up, that dream became distorted. The rising costs in the economy meant more expenses. So when I was old enough to choose my college major, I decided to become a career woman rather than just staying at home.
It also didn’t help that I grew up to the sight of my parents’ constant bickering—my first glimpse of a Filipino marriage. They’d fight over unwashed dishes, unpaid bills (which my father was asked to handle), and the emotional toll on my tired mother.
Don’t get me wrong: My father is hardworking at his job. Unfortunately, this did not reflect in our household. But with my mother’s knack for organization and management, she took on so much more unpaid housework—on top of a career she was furthering. Herein came my disillusionment: Does marriage really result in such a burdened imbalance?
It turns out that there was a name to the dynamic: weaponized incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence, defined
According to psychologist Susan Albers, “Weaponized incompetence is a psychological dynamic where one person avoids or refuses to do a task and uses their ‘incompetence’ as an excuse.” This behavior causes an imbalance of effort, resentment in the relationship, and communication issues because someone ends up overexerting and taking on more tasks to compensate for the other person’s inabilities.
Dr. Albers also explains that this dynamic can happen in relationships, friendships, and the workplace. In the Filipino context, it is very common in marriage and familial relationships, especially in live-in households.
Let me paint a hypothetical picture: In marriage, the wife may handle the groceries, while the husband is usually bad at shopping because he “doesn’t know what brands to buy.” If a man in the family does the chores, he gets praise, though a woman does not, as she is expected to do housework anyway. If a man were to take care of the baby, he is lauded. But if a woman does it, it is expected—the bare minimum, so to speak.
Ultimately, where does that leave women, if doing the bare minimum is still not enough?
How it manifests
In the Philippines, traditional gender roles play an active role in weaponized incompetence. As a typical breadwinner, a Filipino husband may allot money to his wife, while a Filipino woman handles the household chores. But in a dual-income household, which is more common today, women must now earn money and take on chores.
Women are expected to handle domestic housework than men, who tend to avoid these responsibilities more often. When I was tall enough to reach the cabinet, I had to accept the reality: my father rested after grocery shopping, and my mother, sisters, and I packed away all the goods.
And it wasn’t just my household experiencing this. Studies show the work imbalance between Filipino men and women. A 2021 Oxfam Pilipinas survey found that women spend an average of 6.5 hours on unpaid care work (three times more than men). Thus, weaponized incompetence has perpetuated into a systemic issue.
Fighting the system
Weaponized incompetence exists because of the universal love for convenience. From the viewpoint of the so-called incompetent person, it is easier to dodge responsibilities, refusing to change from their comfort zone, especially knowing that someone else will take care of it. But this comes at the cost of the other person bearing the load. And no one deserves to pay the price for that ease.
The same goes for school and work environments: Hardworking students often overcompensate for a lazy groupmate, known as the “pabigat.” A zealous employee may do the job of three people in an understaffed company run by an absent manager. Similarly, a household is meant to be structured with balance, built on mutual respect, not burdens. We all deserve to share in the workload that keeps the household afloat.
To combat weaponized incompetence, we must avoid enabling the behavior by micromanaging. Telling ourselves, “it’s easier to do it myself,” may feel like the best choice, but enabling anyone who refuses to learn or improve prevents either of you from escaping the toxic cycle.
As for myself, I have become more realistic. Yes, I still strive to care for my cozy home, balancing paid work and domestic chores with family members and future romantic partners. I’m learning life skills like cooking, cleaning, and handling finances. And I’m sure a lot of us envision this happy picture of a family for ourselves, too.
But recognizing the pattern of weaponized incompetence is the first step. Even with conservative values that continue to perpetuate in our society, we can now put a name to toxic behaviors such as weaponized incompetence and do something about it.
And with it, we can begin to unlearn the behavior and set boundaries—slowly but surely.
