Finding my ‘why’

Life is a balance between chaos and tranquility, often overshadowed by our relentless pursuit of purpose, our “why.” From the moment we gain consciousness, we’re thrust into a world demanding answers to questions we didn’t know existed. This quest for purpose is not linear but cyclical, much like the stages of grief.

At 24, having grown up faster than many of my peers, I’ve realized that life’s purpose comes in waves, each more profound than the last. These waves have shaped, challenged, and defined me. Reflecting on them, I see a cycle of pondering purpose and asking, “Why?”

The first wave of introspection hit me between the ages of 6 and 9. Rather than filling me with wonder, the concept of existence filled me with dread. I often cried, consumed by the belief that my very existence was a mistake, an accident in the grand scheme. I questioned why I was born and why I had to endure life’s hardships when, in my young mind, there seemed to be no reward at the end of the rainbow.

This wave was marked by self-loathing and self-pity, a belief that my purpose in life was merely to serve as a cautionary tale—a lesson in the importance of proper family planning. It was a dark time when I couldn’t see beyond the immediate pain and confusion. But as with all waves, it eventually receded, leaving me with a faint glimmer of hope that there might be more to life than what I could see at that moment.

As I grew older, the second wave began to take shape, defined by a relentless pursuit of success and a desperate need to prove my worth. I wasn’t naturally gifted with intelligence, but I worked tirelessly to overcome my limitations. I pushed myself through grade school and high school, determined to graduate with good enough grades to make a stellar college application. My life became a series of steps, each bringing me closer to my ultimate goal: acceptance into my dream college.

When I finally achieved that goal, I felt a brief moment of triumph. But as the wave of success washed over me, I realized that the next step was far more daunting. The pressure to succeed only intensified as I entered college, and I became consumed by the desire to secure my future. This wave was exhausting, but it was also exhilarating. It gave me purpose, a reason to keep pushing forward even when the odds seemed insurmountable.

After college, I found myself riding the third wave, fueled by ambition and the desire to make a name for myself. My purpose was clear: to become wealthy and successful, to prove my worth to those who had doubted me, and to live a life of comfort and luxury. I threw myself into work with fervor, taking on multiple jobs while still in college, balancing academics and a social life that barely existed.

But as I climbed higher, I began to feel the weight of my ambitions. The wave that had once propelled me forward now threatened to drown me. I was burning out, my health deteriorating, and my happiness slipping away. The pursuit of wealth and recognition had become a burden. I began to question whether this was truly what I wanted or if I had merely been chasing an illusion—a mirage of success that could never truly satisfy me.

The fourth wave brought me back to the beginning, to a place of doubt and confusion. I questioned the very meaning of my existence, wondering if the sacrifices I had made were worth it. Did I want to be ultra-rich and successful if it meant losing myself? The wave of doubt washed over me, pulling me back into introspection, where I once again pondered my purpose and my “why.”

This wave was different from the first; it wasn’t just about self-loathing or pity. It was about regret, about the choices I had made and the paths I had taken. I began to feel remorse for the time I had spent chasing dreams that no longer felt like mine. I questioned whether I had been living my life for myself or others, whether I had been pursuing happiness or simply following a script written by society, expectations, and fear.

The fifth wave, for now, has been one of acceptance. I’ve come to realize that perhaps I don’t need a grand purpose—that it’s okay to be normal, to live a life that isn’t defined by extraordinary achievements. This wave has taught me to focus on the present rather than obsessing over the future.

In this wave, I’ve found peace in the simplicity of everyday life. I’ve learned to appreciate the small victories, the quiet moments of joy that come from being present in the here and now. I no longer feel the need to chase after a grand purpose; instead, I am content with the idea that my purpose may be to simply live, experience life in all its beauty and pain, grow, learn, and change with each passing day.

As I move forward, I understand that the cycle may continue and that new waves will come, bringing new challenges and perspectives. But I am no longer afraid of these waves. I’ve learned that each one has a purpose, a lesson to teach, and that by embracing them, I can continue to grow and evolve.

I know that the bigger picture will reveal itself in time, but until then, I am happy to take life one step at a time, to ride the waves as they come, and to trust that each one will bring me closer to understanding my “why.”

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Natalya Patolot, 24, is a social media marketing consultant and is studying for her master’s degree in technology management at the University of the Philippines Diliman.