Flames

There was a time when I firmly agreed with this quote: “When you grew up in a house that is burning, you tend to think that the world is burning, too—only that it is not.”

However, I realized lately that to say “the world is not burning” is a privilege … because it does burn. It is burning, only in different forms and various intensities—but it burns.

As someone who was raised in a burning house, I have always thought about the world as agonizing and suffocating, too. Instead of getting those magical motherly hugs after winning competitions and adoration-laced fatherly protectiveness whenever I learn new skills, my childhood was bloodily chiseled with violent palms, loud, knife-like mouths, and the searing indifference from tenderness and affection.

It was deeply etched into my mind that if a place meant to be safe and comforting tortures me like that in reality, how much more in a vast, unpredictable world? The scars on my skin are a lifelong proof and lesson telling me that if a fairly limited space marked by these walls was enough to expose me to the dangers that could also be seen outside with even added intensity, what more if I attempt going out and seeing things for myself? If my supposed home was enough to let me see the worst I could encounter with the world unguarded, then what was the difference?

This anxious and flawed realistic thinking was all I carried growing up. It is never easy work to break a generational trauma, more so conquer it alone because the generation before you is simply not ready, educated, and committed enough to end the cycle. Who knows if they even recognize that there is indeed a cycle? Who could even admit their own faults so easily? It was how they were raised and honed into perfectly wearing the façade of strength, resilience, and a tinge of insensitivity to survive the naturally harsh environment of the “real world.” So, in which aspect would it not work for you?

They would say things like “Kami nga noon …” or “No’ng panahon nga namin …” and that alone is the problem. When will we be brave enough to face that much has changed in the past years? Until when are we going to invalidate feelings and avoid emotional conversations just because we are deeply tied to our tradition and the things we are used to dealing with?

Are we just going to let the house burn down in flames because we are too scared to reach out and break free?

To view the quote as implying that the world does not necessarily mean all pain and violence and that the world is not actually burning opened me to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could look at the silver lining of things for once. And I did. Multiple times.

I was almost like a dying eagle with its claws clinging to its last prey of hope just so the ever-blinding glow of life would still be even a tad bit visible in my bloodshot eyes. A point came when I let myself burn to ashes just so someone would not scald themselves out of their accidentally lit match; when I held my breath in silence and suffocation just so they would not have to go through the wildfire they had caused themselves and where I was left stuck. I was almost disappearing into thin air, the remnants of my soul lifelessly following the trails of the wind to nothingness. For me, it was okay to burn, as long as they would not think that the whole world was on flames too … like my innocent, little heart did.

But those only strengthened the thought that I was right all along—the world we live in is burning in one way or another and denying it would only consume me whole. We could only either play with the fire or get burned with its intensity.

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Glad tidings times three

May we be reminded that maybe a place could also burn with warmth and calmness. A place could be in placid flames, enough to engulf and shelter us in the comforts of what a safe and peaceful home feels like. This establishes the idea that there are still spaces where we would not have wounds from flares, but a feeling of assurance and soft, yawn-inducing caress trails. Somewhere we would not flinch from the loud smashes and scorching heat but simply smile from the fervor glow it emits that you just know would embrace even those in the dark, cold, and farthest corner.

Because the inescapable truth is that the world is burning, and you just have to find where the fire is warm, and its flares are rather embracing than scarring.

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Dhanity Kaye S. Santos, 17, is an 11th-grade accountancy, business, and management student at the Ateneo de Naga University.