I might die alone
I’m 27 years old. I’ve no money and no prospects. I’m already a burden to my parents. And I’m frightened.”
You probably have watched this in an IG reel, or a TikTok, but this was a line from the movie “Pride and Prejudice.” I relate so much to this line, except that I am now 28, and I still have no money or no prospects. This meme has become a joke to my circle of friends, as I am surrounded by single people too. Before, we would laugh at it but now I have to tell you, it is not that funny anymore. We have now resorted to constantly wishing from the stars that we meet the guy whom we would spend our lives with, and sometimes I think God is getting tired of hearing three single ladies asking him when our soulmates would arrive.
People kept telling me that maybe I should go out more. As an introvert, this was hard to hear. But I am not just an introvert, I am a lonely introvert who wants a boyfriend. So I had to pep talk myself and say “No, a man can’t just bust down your gate and doors open and say I am here, baby!” because let’s be honest, that is breaking and entering. People go to jail for that. For the past year, I have been visiting coffee shops. That was my way of tricking myself into going out. Now, 43 coffee shops later, still no man. I thought, are the movies lying? Are there no meet-cutes in real life? Was all that an illusion? Damn you, “Notting Hill”!
Even so, my quest to find my knight in shining armor continues. I tried dating apps. The yellow one, the blue one. My bio was a hit, and I thank my trauma for that as it made me a funny person. I talked to a few guys who I found to have similar interests. I was able to meet some. I mean, I could find one now, right? Out of all the matches I got, there’s probably one that would stick. But I was so wrong. I got ghosted, some were creeps, and some made me want to just delete the app and get a girl. No, that was a lie … or is it? Nah, I still like to find myself a man. Can we please not give up yet?
One of my male friends said, “Maybe your problem is that you have very high standards.” My initial reaction was, “Excuse me? How dare you?” But I had to stop and check myself because maybe he was right. He went on saying “you know there is a saying, ‘pili ka nang pili baka mapunta ka sa so-so kakapili.’” This triggered me a lot. I have my preferences, yes, only because I had past relationship experiences already and I learned a lot from them. I did not know that someone would shame me for upholding what I think is best for me, let alone a friend. Safe to say we don’t talk anymore.
Some do not understand that, yes, while there are four billion men out there in the world, it becomes hard to pick a partner because not all are who you are looking for. Some girl’s list may look like this: a guy who is tall, chinito, moreno, a basketball player, a cat-lover, who has a trust fund, but is very down to earth and helps the poor in his spare time apart from acting in soap operas. To each of her own. For me, a funny guy who knows what he wants and has stable employment and income is a must, but also, is he dependable and responsible? Growing up in a broken family, I would want my partner to help me raise a child who doesn’t have to heal from trauma. Most of us went through that, and most of us are still healing from that. The goal is to end that vicious cycle in our generation. Let our offspring enjoy what peace is and let them sleep at night knowing that today, they did not have a breakdown because they remembered the time a parent left them and it affected how they make relationships with other people.
I worked on myself for the past years. I had some bad experiences that I had to be okay living with. Because here is the deal, you can’t get rid of trauma, you can only learn how to live around it. I treated myself to all the things I wanted to buy and traveled to places my exes told me we would go. I was ecstatic. There is so much power in knowing that you very well can make yourself happy and not wait for a man to treat you right. This is not me saying that we should all just be single since we know how to make ourselves happy. What I wanted the women who are going through the same thing as I am to know, is that, keep having those standards, girl. Keep loving yourself. If Prince Charming has not arrived yet maybe he will soon or maybe, he won’t. We might die alone at this rate, I know, but we die peacefully knowing that no man has ever asked us to lower our expectations and no child is out there healing themselves because of the pain we caused.
Now, I still do all my coffee shop and aesthetic restaurant visits, but still have in mind the original reason as to why I am going out: to find me the Mike Hannigan to my Phoebe Buffay. Hoping and praying that God would get tired of me whining and he would just send me the guy to shut me up.
Arnelle Claudine Fernandez, 28, is a loan support officer of an Australian company.
