Just breathe
So when are you going to take a break?” I looked her squarely in the eye and replied, “I will, after I finish my commitments.” She shook her head and said, “That was your line the last time we had a reunion. When are you going to learn how to incorporate the word ‘no’ in your vocabulary?”
Her words echoed those of a well-meaning sibling, who on more than one occasion pointed out that my schedule was so stretched and the accompanying stress experienced was self-inflicted. She ended the early morning conversation with, ”Shouldn’t you be rethinking about what needs to be prioritized?” That piece of advice was welcomed. I was starting to feel less optimistic, easily irritated and impatient, losing a little bit of my sense of humor, and worst of all, feeling dangerously close to being resentful that with an overflowing plate, there was no room to pause and breathe. Acknowledging that being in that particular frame of mind was definitely unhealthy, it was time to practice saying that all-important word and make peace with the decision to do so.
Analyzing how I got to this point, I realized that saying yes to all the things thrown my way came from a place of guilt and not wanting to disappoint people who needed a helping hand. After all, what they were asking was aligned with what I was doing and fueled my sense of purpose. I failed to realize the all-important point that if people value and respect you, they will understand why you may need to decline certain requests.
Disclosure. None of the thoughts to follow are exclusive to me and have been enhanced by readings and going through life in general. Hopefully, it may be of assistance to anyone who might find themselves at risk of being in a similar situation.
So how should one go about it? First, the way you say it matters. You can always start by saying that you are grateful for the invite and that you were topmost on their list. Speak in a calm, firm, and respectful voice when saying the word “no.” Choose your words carefully. This is one instance wherein saying less will and can work to one’s advantage. You are not under any obligation to provide a lengthy or detailed explanation as to why you had to. There is no need to be overly apologetic. Never delude yourself into believing that your refusal might have derailed a plan or a project. Please remember that no one is indispensable. Whoever thinks that he or she is irreplaceable needs to go into intense self-reflection. We are all but small bubbles in the universe.
Next, just because you said no, it is also important not to let your tendency to overextend help turn you into a problem solver and make you rush to provide alternatives. Please don’t. Leave it to the one who asked you to find another individual who can be more focused and has both the time and energy to carry out the task. If tapped for referrals, be mindful. The person you think is capable might also have a full plate and might be pressured to say yes because of the influence you have over him or her. That would be terribly unfair unless it’s an opportunity that can help boost their career or their self-growth. If that is the kind of situation, it would be helpful if you could give that person advance information before providing their contact numbers.
This whole process can never be easy, no matter at what stage in life we may be, for it takes courage to say no. There will always be situations where we find ourselves conflicted and fall into the trap of saying yes, not to please people, but from a place where we are capable of fulfilling what is being asked. We fail to realize that we are not superhuman, and taking on much more than we can comes with a price and can be detrimental. In the end, it is us who will always suffer from the decisions that we make.
Last week, I was given the privilege of being a principal sponsor to a mentor’s only daughter. I had to rearrange quite a few of my commitments to accommodate her request and pointedly refused others that would have prevented me from attending. It was all worth it. Watching their loving interaction and meeting new people, far removed from the usual circle I was exposed to, brought on a sense of well-being. I didn’t need to travel or take a few days off; I just needed to breathe and take stock of what my priorities are.
I am still learning and have a long way to go. Practice makes perfect.
Try it.
