Mothering in hard times
Being a mother has changed how I experience news and media. My heart hurts whenever I read about children being hurt or killed. I have a visceral reaction when I hear about parents hurting their children, and I cannot fathom how they can override their nurturing instincts. It stays with me when I read about mothers being killed, leaving their children orphaned. Unfortunately, such news has become an almost daily occurrence both here and abroad. Too many murders, too many abuses. I stay away from true crime shows and documentaries for this reason. There is enough cruelty in our reality; I do not need it for my entertainment.
With how cruel and unempathetic the world has become, my friends ask me why I chose to have children. It is not a judgment against me, but simply a befuddlement, as they do not see any rational reason to bring innocent lives into a world that is heading for war and authoritarianism. They confess to me that the idea scares them and that it is love for their potential child that keeps them from having to subject them to such harsh conditions. They are not alone in this thinking. The total fertility rate in the country stands at only 1.9 children per woman, based on 2022 data from the Philippine Statistics Authority, which is lower than the 2.1 needed to replace the population.
In short, Filipinos are having fewer children. There are many factors to this, including financial considerations and more opportunities for career and other interests that are prioritized over having more children. Having children is very expensive, with costs increasing yearly. I know this firsthand, starting with health-care costs—vaccines, medicines, and the occasional hospital visits. Add baby formula, diapers, clothing, and school fees, and it is no wonder that most of my friends stopped at only having one child. The great disparity in quality between public and private services, such as in health care and education, means that a lot of parents feel compelled to shell out of their own pocket to provide their children with the best chance in life instead of being able to rely on public care systems that their taxes pay for. Unfortunately, this only worsens the economic gap, where the poor are stuck with public services of dismal quality, while the rich fund the improvement of private services (or go abroad for services altogether).
The current cost of living necessitates as many income earners in the household as possible; it is now a luxury to become a stay-at-home parent. Having professional childcare is also a luxury. The shift away from multigenerational households and close-knit neighborhoods means there is less help with minding our children. As a child, we used to live next to our cousins, with each house either belonging to a relative or a close family friend. This allowed my parents the peace of mind to let me out of the house (often eating snacks made by the other lolas) and only call me back home either for meals or sleep. Such a lifestyle now sounds so scary as a parent, with location tracking and security cameras now de rigueur.
Beyond practical realities, my friends touched on a more existential concern. How can we think of bringing more children into such a dangerous and seemingly hopeless world? I had such thoughts myself before and considered voluntary childlessness as an ethical decision. I still see such a stance as a valid and ethical one. In fact, going through pregnancy and having children only made me firmer in the belief that no one should be forced or pressured into this lifestyle.
Instead of seeing motherhood as a goal or aspiration, I see it simply as a state of being that I needed to accept once I became one. All my regrets disappeared since there was no point; one could not undo being a mother. All my fears about the world stopped being a deterrent from parenting and instead became my motivation to be the best protector and provider I can be. I told my friend, who had expressed hopelessness about the world, that I cannot afford to give up on the world precisely because my child lives in it. Therefore, I need to do what I can to make it a better world for him. That, in fact, having children made me even more motivated to keep on fighting and advocating for human rights and well-being because my child deserves such a world.
Our children can be our source of hope, but not in the way you think. It would be selfish and lazy of us to see them as a way out of poverty, as our future caregivers, or as our retirement plan. They do not exist in this world for us. They are our source of hope because they should inspire us to action. So that we can take care of them, we need to be healthy and remove our vices. So that they can live out their potential, we must fight for a fair and equitable system. We focus on sustainability so that there is still an Earth to inherit. We fight dictators so they can be free. Children give us hope because they give us a reason not to give up.
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aatuazon@up.edu.ph
