Parenting beyond gender roles

In time for Women’s Month, the Social Weather Stations released a survey earlier this month to measure Filipinos’ beliefs on women and the home. The results showed mostly conservative views on gender roles, with more than 80 percent of Filipinos agreeing that a woman’s primary role is to look after her home and family. Around 75 percent agreed that “a job is all right, but what most women really want is a home and children.” Sixty-three percent of respondents agreed that “a preschool child is likely to suffer if his or her mother works,” while 71 percent agreed that “a working mother can establish just as warm and secure a relationship with her children as a mother who does not work.” Slightly more than 50 percent agreed with the statement, “All in all, family life suffers when the woman has a full-time job.”

It is disappointing, though not totally surprising, to see that we have not gained much ground when it comes to freeing women from the box of gender roles. The continued segregation of roles and responsibilities between a father and a mother also constrains us from unlocking the potential of the family as a base for growth and development.

Underlying these attitudes is a rigid view on gender roles. Gender differences do exist, in the same way that individual and group differences exist. Our differences, however, should not solely determine what we can and cannot do. Nothing about a woman, perhaps outside of birthing the child, makes her more capable than men when it comes to taking care of children. The skills and temperament required to be a good parent are possible with any gender. More than our chromosomal or genital makeup, it is our internal and external resources as parents that are pivotal to our child’s welfare. We need internal resources, such as the capacity for patience and understanding, the ability to regulate our emotions, and the skill of adapting to ever-changing challenges to parent well. Such capacities can be cultivated in any person, regardless of gender. Contrary to traditional belief, women are not necessarily more inclined in these areas. (A lot of men, by the way, are also fantastic caregivers.)

These are also not dependent on biological temperament, meaning that anyone can learn and build these capacities. If there are seemingly visible gender differences, such as the so-called “nurturing” personality, it is mostly because we have been socialized that way. We have encouraged girls to play with dolls, while we gift boys with toy swords and guns. We have encouraged boys to become policemen and girls to become teachers. Personality is a much more complex concept than people realize; we are neither a blank slate nor permanent imprints.

The belief that a woman’s primary role is to take care of her family limits the woman but also limits the family as well. Such rigid attitudes foreclose the woman’s exploration of her potential, therefore stunting her psychological growth. Let motherhood and parenting be a fully free choice, a product of self-exploration, rather than a socially imposed duty.

This gender restriction of roles also limits the family, in that we have made the family structure more inflexible, thereby making it less able to adapt to changing environments. In family therapy, we pay attention to the flexibility and responsiveness of the family system. Too rigid, and they are more likely to break. This is where we see parents disown their children, and children go no-contact with their parents.

The traditional nuclear family, with a father who works and a mother who stays at home, was perhaps useful at a time when a single income was sufficient. A single-income household clearly is no longer viable. That fathers were the ones assigned to bring in income was mostly due to sexist policies that blocked certain careers for women. Nowadays, especially for a lot of Filipino families, mothers are the ones who work overseas, as it is easier for them to secure employment than their partners.

Flexible roles allow families more solutions to address challenges. If not encumbered by conservative gender roles, mothers who want a career can pursue it without guilt. Fathers who enjoy taking care of children can do so without feeling emasculated. A more egalitarian division of tasks and responsibilities within the family can also positively impact their children. A 2018 study conducted in 29 countries shows that daughters of working mothers are more likely to have jobs as adults and earn higher incomes. Men of working mothers tend to be more experienced and skilled in caring for others compared to men whose moms didn’t work.

What determines the roles we play in the family should not be our sex at birth or our gender. Every parent should be nurturing and understanding, not just one. Every parent should be involved and spend quality time with their children. Anyone who can and wants to bring in income should be welcome to do so. Parenting is a matter of skills and resources, not a gendered birthright.

—————-

aatuazon@up.edu.ph