Partners

Until about 20 years ago, I heard the English word “partner” used only with one meaning: someone you work with closely in one endeavor, usually in business, but also in science projects or artwork. A partnership also meant a close relationship where you spent a lot of time together.

Then I heard it used for intimate relationships between two people, of the same sex or different sexes. It seems a practice from the United States, starting around the 1960s, where two people of the same sex in an intimate relationship would be called lovers, friends (in a more serious tone than casual friends), or even “boyfriends” and “girlfriends.” The term ”partners,” if my memory serves, came about in the 1970s for unmarried people in intimate relationships.

With time, I realized that the multiple hidden meanings were more likely in countries like the Philippines, where relationships—sexual or nonsexual, homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual—are sensitive matters. The play on words had an element of subterfuge that gave the couple’s relationship some kind of public exposure, but with some caution. Note that I’m conscious about not using any real names!

Especially with my own children, I choose my words very carefully when we talk about their “relationships,” the word eliciting reactions like “Dada naman,” although the older ones know how liberal I am and pretend they’re shocked that I even asked.

I do wish, though, that we could be more upfront about these terms and sex in general. My children are now more comfortable when I bring up discussions about their relationships. “No judgment” has become a kind of motto for us—among siblings and between me (and some surrogate parents in our complicated family), except when there are truly moral issues at hand, for example: honesty, fidelity, and accountability in relationships.

Recently, I had two Canadian visitors, one of whom is Filipino. I introduced them many times, including to my students and my children. It became almost routine for me to say, “Class, let me introduce our visitors and guest speakers for today: Jean and Norman (I didn’t have to change Norman’s name) are partners who have been together for several years.” Almost always, I could sense some students were a bit perplexed by “partners,” and Jean would take over to explain that they’re not married but are in a very committed relationship.

We then move on to our topic (climate change!) and touch on the issue of partners. In recent years, I’ve noticed more use of “romantic” partners in mainstream media. No long discussions yet, but I hope to cover the topic in future sessions. Last week, I asked, “Are there romantic partnerships in class?” One guy raised his hand but quickly withdrew when he realized he was the only one! I told him that it was okay if he was in such a relationship, but maybe we could save it for another session.

I strongly feel we need to be frank about these discussions, especially before students graduate from college. Many are already familiar with common-law marriages, including those of their own parents (meaning “magkasama pero hindi kasal”). They should also know about other “unions” among cousins, uncles, aunts, and others. In my own clan, we have an annual ritual as Christmas approaches, asking if one of our gay cousins is arriving from Canada and if their “best friend” is coming as well. Sometimes, it sets off a short discussion among older aunts and uncles: ”I hope he comes over. He and ‘Robert’ have been together for so many years.” I’m always tempted to say, “Why can’t we just say partners,” which we do as soon as the elders leave the room.

I had a gay uncle who came to me about five years ago after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. His last will was very upfront about bequeathing property and money to his long-term partner. In contrast, we’ve had relatives in long-term relationships who weren’t ready to come out, leaving us in a dilemma if one of them died without written instructions.

In one tragic case, I knew a gay couple who had been together for years, seeing each other every weekend. One day, one of them went to his partner’s home, only to be told his partner had died a few days earlier and had been cremated, with the family unaware of their relationship.

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There are many possible “permutations” in a society full of double standards, restrictions, and taboos, some of them hybrids of tragedies and comedies. I have someone difficult to classify who would visit, and we were used to my father calling out, “Mike, your driver is here,” and we always wondered what he really knew. Often, I’d introduce him to new friends as “X ng X ko” (X of my X), which always made my relatives giggle.

My kids and I have figured out our own “secret” codes to introduce their new “friends.” None have started using the word ”partner,” but I know, and they give me little signals—placing my hand to their forehead (mano) or calling me “Dada.” There may come a time when I won’t like someone to call me “Dada,” but let’s cross that bridge when it comes. For now, I’m just happy that along the way we’ve figured out partnerships appropriate to Valentine’s 2026.

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michael.tan@inquirer.net