The freedom to fly solo

Islamabad—“Feminism convinced women they could have it all. Now they’re 40, independent, and crying in a very nice empty apartment.” So wrote Nandi on X (formerly Twitter).

The response was swift as these “feminists” quickly responded. “See, sis,” wrote one “I’d rather cry in an apartment which I own than in one which I can be kicked out (of) because the man bought it.” One of the best responses simply stated: “Funny how people blame feminism for women ‘crying’ in nice apartments, but never blame patriarchy for women crying in marriages, bedrooms, and kitchens they were told would complete them.”

The word “feminism” raises the hackles of many—including women—when it is used. Weighed down by the accrued moral and historical baggage of being associated with Westernization, colonial dominance, and white supremacy, it is easy to hold up the word as the progenitor of all that is wrong with gender relations in modern society.

This is particularly so in the South Asian context where the entrenchment of patriarchy is such that women are even more eager to shut down other women who are fighting for basic equality and respect at the hands of social, cultural, and political institutions. Nothing, it appears, endears women to chauvinistic men more than the former’s amenability to criticizing their own.

This X kerfuffle took place within a context of women being increasingly financially independent and living alone. Pakistan is far behind in this regard, as its flailing economy does not provide the volume of opportunities that would ensure a strong middle class.

However, while one cannot see a mass upsurge in the numbers of financially independent women who can support themselves, their numbers are increasing even in Pakistan. The increase in urbanization in recent years, along with educational opportunities for women, means that the financially independent and voluntarily single professional woman is no longer the oddity she once was.

Some of these women have taken to social media to chronicle what it is like to live alone as a woman in cities such as Karachi and Lahore. One of them begins every reel she posts on Instagram with a reminder that living by herself was always her dream.

Women in Pakistan grow up surrounded by the critical and toxic perspectives of everyone around them. The image of crying women is etched in our minds because women, by and large, still live a subservient and miserable existence pressed into the service of others. When one considers the drudgery of repetitive housework, the scolding of husbands and other relatives, and the thanklessness of it all, it doesn’t take much to realize that living in an apartment alone is like a tropical beach vacation in comparison.

A glimpse into the lives of women living alone in Pakistan also dispels the myth that being alone automatically means being lonely. Social media content about their lives reveals that they eat, sleep, cook, and clean according to their own schedules and convenience. There is time to enjoy a cup of tea, and one’s inner contentment and peace are not being constantly disturbed by the vagaries of other people’s moods, needs, and demands.

This is not to say that the world, like our friend Nandi on X, is not up in arms to criticize the increasing numbers of women living alone. The solitary woman of their imagination is financially comfortable but emotionally bereft, essentially crying alone. These sorts of statements are part of the sociocultural backlash against women having this kind of autonomy. Society does not look kindly on women who choose paths that are not the usual that have been prescribed for them.

Interviews with women living alone in Pakistan reveal the problems they have renting apartments, getting cars fixed, and dealing with nosy neighbors and relatives. A woman living alone, after all, is a testament to the fact that women do not need men to live, unacceptable in a male-dominated society where women are second-class citizens.

The waves of change have a way of upending the status quo, with old ways slowly disintegrating as seen by the fact that there are Pakistani women out there who are living alone and enjoying it.

This does not mean that all women should aspire to live alone their entire life. But it shows that when the opportunity to live alone and independently presents itself, it can be looked at as an enjoyable and peaceful time of contentment and freedom.

—————-

Rafia Zakaria is a lawyer teaching constitutional law and political philosophy.

—————-

The Philippine Daily Inquirer is a member of the Asia News Network, an alliance of 22 media titles in the region.