Too big for a small city

Metro Manila is full of everything.

From one end to the other, stars shine and then they burn—it is a whole spectrum, indeed. A manic pixie dream city for young dreamers, and a trap for souls who lost their way along, in the middle, and in the puzzle.

As for me, I am still the same wishful thinker—the person who never had a taste of Metro Manila, while vaguely missing the flavor of her small hometown. My heart is in between, a little adrift. Reaching for both what could’ve beens and new possibilities. Sort of weird, I might say. This is one of the few moments where I cannot translate my emotions into words that people will understand.

I have always been a kid full of vast ambitions, each part of me is consumed by the thought of pursuing greatness, building my name to become prominent, and striving to be amusing and admirable.

The crowd made me believe that every single thing I dream of is within my reach because I have glorious hands, as they perceive. With all the “achievements” I’ve attained, my stubborn mind and stomach refuse to eat fulfillment. They both know that the ingredients of my brilliance, if they really existed, were never enough to cure my hunger for flourishing.

It has always lingered in my thoughts that there was nothing much you could ingest in a small town. Even the coffee shops know the same people that frequent them every weekend, and the great films sometimes don’t even make it to our local cinema.

A bit insulting, perhaps, but I often think my burning passion would just turn into ashes if I stay in my little comfort zone. I used to make myself believe that I am meant for bigger things. But I failed when I tried to look for them in the city I was staying at. Less opportunities, less places for excellence—that’s what I used to stamp in my head, thus, prompting me to leave. Although I had no clue how I trusted the concept of me flying and living a new life somewhere, I knew deep down I will. And some way, somehow, the air of desires drifted its way to me—introducing the whimsical aspirations that I would hold for a lifetime. The passion inside me was, and still is, too much to handle—too big for a small city.

For the first time, I was hoping my glorious hands were real so I could wipe the mist on the window of my dreams and see the certainty I’ve been longing for.

Eventually, my clothes began to crawl into my luggage, making themselves comfortable and preparing for travel—I was finally leaving. It wasn’t sudden, the days before I went to college were slow, ensuring that every inch of me felt the anticipation, fears, and doubts.

The mist is still there, but I could at least take a peek. The moments of wishing become the life I am living now. Metro Manila welcomed me with its polluted air, that for some reason, I dreamed of breathing.

Life knows exactly how to tease you. Few months of me staying and I could already feel the ghosts—my what ifs and what could’ve beens hunting me every chance they get. My foolishness about things didn’t help either. Most nights, I would question the ambitions etched in my heart. Am I really meant for bigger things, or dreams are all I could ever have? Not the courage, not the potential to actually make them come true. Contrary to where I came from, I am now living in a city that’s so big that it makes me feel small.

It would be a lie to say there were no days that I didn’t wish I was back in my hometown. Sometimes, I really just want to go back. But if I do that, what kind of person will I be? This isn’t about the opinions of other people, but rather the way I want to live. I do not want to remember myself as someone who ran away from her dreams then left them behind because of those dreams. Being ambitious is one thing, and pursuing greatness is another. It’s brave to do both.

In a large place made up of polluted air, severe traffic, and messy and fast-paced environment, there are aspirations that lie in between. Some are accomplished, some are abandoned, but there are still many waiting to be touched and fulfilled.

It’s only been almost two years since I shook hands with this city, yet the encounters I had are worth more than that. I’ve met new faces, earned experiences I will remember for a long time, and most importantly, I’ve come across and confronted different versions and pieces of myself: the person full of anticipation, the girl battling with her worries, my heart stocked with hope.

Metro Manila is full of everything, indeed.

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Eriane Tamayo, 19, is a passionate individual trying to navigate this thing called life.