Wisdom from children
Children, whether they ask for it or not, constantly hear advice from adults. They are often told to study hard, aim high, respect their parents, and make something of themselves. But during a recent event, where I moderated a panel discussion with some of our scholars, I was reminded that adults also have much to learn from young people.
As a closing question, I asked them what advice they wanted to give to adults. Unsurprisingly, their answers carried clarity and frankness that could only come from a young person’s unmarred way of seeing the world.
One 16-year-old student, Deniece, said she hoped adults would remember that children look up to them for inspiration. Every time adults act, decide, or speak, it would help to think about the kind of example they are setting for younger generations. Another touching answer came from 12-year-old JC, who shared how his father often comes home exhausted after working in a kitchen all day, his fingers marked by burns. He said adults need to remember to take a break too because their children also want to spend time with them.
But the advice that stayed with me the most came from 12-year-old MJ. She began by talking about a classmate who always excelled in school and seemed happy all the time. MJ was surprised when this classmate opened up to her about feeling anxious, tired, and pressured. Her parents had been pushing her to get a high grade on an exam, asking her to keep studying even after she had already said she was prepared and exhausted.
“I hope adults would remember that we’re still just kids,” MJ said. “We know you want us to succeed, but we also need to rest, play, and have fun, and we hope you could also listen to us.”
MJ’s words made an impression because they offered a glimpse into the heavy expectations that adults, especially parents, can unknowingly put on children at times. Research on adolescent mental health supports this concern. A 2020 study found that stress from the family, particularly about academics, can be one of the most damaging forms of stress to a young person’s well-being. It might be worth asking: How do we help children excel without placing unnecessary and harmful weight on their shoulders?
First, let children feel that they are their own person, with their own identity, dreams, and life to build. Some parents may unknowingly treat their children as extensions of themselves and start to impose on them their unfulfilled ambitions or get an unhealthy sense of validation from their child’s accomplishments.
While it’s normal for parents to be proud of their child’s achievements, it becomes harmful when the child starts feeling that love and approval depend on meeting their parents’ expectations—internalizing the belief that they are only worthy of love if they meet those standards. Studies have constantly linked the experience of “conditional parental love” to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and maladaptive perfectionism. To raise healthy individuals, children need to know that they’re unconditionally loved for who they are, not only for what they achieve.
Second, praise effort more than output. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research shows that praising children’s curiosity, grit, and discipline instills a “growth mindset” in them. A growth mindset is the belief that one’s basic abilities, talents, and intelligence can be developed through grit and hard work.
When parents and teachers value a child’s willingness to keep trying and see challenges as opportunities for feedback, they teach children that learning is not about constantly proving themselves, but about growth. In contrast, children who are praised only for their grades, awards, or for being “smart” may learn to fear mistakes because their identity has become attached to achievement.
In recent years, Dweck has also cautioned against a “false growth mindset,” where children are “blindly” praised for their effort even when no learning has taken place. Praising effort should not take on a “participation trophy” approach. Dweck emphasizes that it should be used as a learning tool: to guide young people to keep trying, adjust their strategies, seek feedback, and recognize progress.
Third, to echo MJ’s words, let children be children. When every hour of childhood is optimized for achievement, we may raise children who can perform, but do not know how to pause, enjoy, or listen to themselves. Apart from being an important source of joy and creativity, play is integral to a child’s physical and social-emotional development. It teaches children how to regulate their emotions, build relationships, and recover from stressful experiences.
Excellence is not measured only by academic awards and accomplishments. It is also seen in a person’s character, values, sense of self, and ability to relate to others. Children are still forming their identities and learning who they are. Yes, they need a lot of guidance. But more than anything, they need unconditional love and the safe space to become, not an extension of their parents’ unfulfilled dreams and wishes, but their own person.
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