Unplugged
It has been quite some time since I made a detour to my next-door neighbor, who is an expert in the field of adolescent medicine. Our discussions have always turned out to be quite colorful, and this was no exception. While we swung from one topic to another, both personal and work-related, the conversation eventually landed on concerns regarding the vulnerability of our youth and their mental health.
I have always turned to her for needed guidance, particularly on how to improve conversations with my adolescent and young adult patients. Admittedly, even if there is a template with which we can assess their psychosocial well-being and identify risk factors that may influence their behavior—better known to pediatricians as HEADSSS—which stands for H-home, E-education, E-eating, A-activities, D-drugs, S-sexuality, S-suicide, S-safety—I need to work at making those interactions more comfortable and fluid rather than sounding rigid and rehearsed. It is a learned skill and requires constant practice and extreme patience. From experience, I have found that the mention of food never fails to be a good jump-off point aside from touching on the latest trend, or knowing what the current and so-called “happening places” are. The challenge is to get them interested enough to pursue the conversation with you and progress to that level wherein they voluntarily provide the needed information, which, as a physician, enables you to manage their concerns. And while I may be touching on a doctor-patient relationship, the ingredients to having that needed connection may also apply to parenting techniques.
How can you get your teen to be more engaged in your conversations or even to start one?
“Allow them to be bored. Being bored is good for the adolescent.” I was surprised by this remark and asked her to explain. She went on to describe how she has seen the wonders of applying this prescription to her patients by simply unplugging them from their phones. This detoxification allows them to be more creative about how to spend their time and come down from that dopamine rush brought about by digital engagement. Parents have validated the small successes gained from following her orders. The process has also led them to a renewed understanding of their child simply because there is no added distraction. In that period, both parties get the chance to know each other better, and for parents, it also provides the opportunity for self-assessment. How can we create a safe space that is essential in making a child feel loved, secure, seen, and heard? How well do we really know them?
If you are like me, who grew up in that era when parenting was more military and even punitive in nature, it takes a little bit of bending backward to embrace what is being taught to us on the way to positively bring up children. My friends, older colleagues, and I poke fun at ourselves and say we turned out to be functional, balanced adults despite all the rules we had to follow, but are quick enough to acknowledge that life was so much simpler then. At my age, I still am very much aware that my mother’s decisions still reign supreme. She has never been extremely verbose, but, together with my late father, made sure that we all had a firm grip on non-negotiables. While there is no formula, what I have observed that works well is having parents who are present for their children and who set clear boundaries and practice what they preach. I am not a fan of working toward being your child’s best friend because they still need to know who is in charge. In setting those boundaries, be clear about what you expect from them, express the reason behind it, most especially if it is a rule that can be a source of conflict or may endanger their safety. Be consistent. Speak in a calm and modulated tone and immerse yourself in the moment so that your child knows that they have your full attention. Employ active listening. Be mindful of your body language and theirs as well. Know that children are very sensitive to both verbal and non-verbal cues. My colleague has learned to bite her lip whenever she feels like counter-arguing or blaming, and extricates herself from a combustible situation by providing enough time for both of them to calm down. If a time-out is needed, call one. Find ways to show that you are responsive and open to a reasonable compromise. Be the one to provide the validation that they need, not in the form of false praise but by allowing them to find solutions for themselves instead of providing them. Sometimes it also helps to bring sensitive issues that can be a source of anxiety out in the open rather than avoiding them. In that way, you teach your child to cope and navigate their way through.
Last but not least, acknowledge if you or your child needs professional intervention. To ask for help is not a sign of weakness but is borne out of love and having the courage to set things right.
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